Well, here we are again then. So, how are you on this splendid day? Have you brought along your Water Vole Perplexation Kit?
I did, if you remember specifically remind you at the end of last week’s lesson to bring it along, as you will need to have your perplexing rods fully calibrated in time for the end of the year exam, which is now only a few weeks away.
Calibration of Water Vole Perplexing rods is not an easy skill to master, so you will need all the practice you can get before the exam. The blindfolded field stripping, cleaning and re-calibration of your rods does – after all – carry the most marks in this – the Practical – exam. You can bone up as much as you like on the theoretical side of Water Vole Perplexing, or even Full-Frontal Weasel Beguilement, but unless you are adept at the practical side of Small Mammal Mollification then it will all be for nothing. This will be especially true for those of you wishing to acquire your certificate in advanced All-Nude Chicken-Intriguing, for no-one is allowed to enter any All-Nude Chicken-Intriguing training college course without gaining at least a pass level mark in a full-accredited Small Mammal Mollification examination.
Furthermore, the Robust Order Of Small Mammal Mollification Practitioners will not accept just anyone into the order. The pass rate for these exams rests at 20% and has done for centuries, ever since King Edwina the Confused granted the guild its first Royal Charter way back in 1249, when Master Sludge Dampstain became the first Royale Smalle Beastie Mollificatre with special responsibility for keeping the royal apartments free of ‘Vexashus tynee devil-beast vermines’.
So, it is a high office you aspire to, and one that bestows great honour and privilege alongside its heavy responsibility. In order to keep this country free of unmollified and unperplexed small mammals you must constantly practice these noble arts until they come to you as easily as breathing or the consumption of chocolate biscuits. Because , above all, you must be fully prepared – should the call come, and at no matter at what time of day or night – to go forth boldly to perplex, or even mollify, any small mammal when called upon to do so.