Following a report which claims that the UK is top of the league for reports of so-called ‘Hate’ crimes, the British government promised that they would do all they could to make sure the UK stayed at the top of this particular league.
A government spokesman said:
It comes as a great relief, and – of course – a massive justification of the 12 glorious years of this – the People’s Government – when we come out on top of an international league table, especially one like this which gives such a nebulous and – ultimately – meaningless concept as ‘hate’ crime a veneer of respectability.
Far too many critics of this notion of so-called ‘hate crime’ have pointed out – often to the point of exasperation – that since such a crime depends on perception, that is, if either the ‘victim’, a witness or even an investigating police officer decides it is a ‘hate’ crime, then it becomes one. This is – obviously – illiberal, unjust, prejudicial and basically unworkable. Which are, claims a UK government spokesperson, the very reasons the government are so proud of introducing such laws, and just why they are so keen to introduce many more such ‘Anti-Hatred’ laws.
So, late last night a senior government spokesman firmly stated that ‘nearly all the UK population is – in fact – quite obviously wrong.’ The spokesman was responding to reports showing that the government’s popularity level continued to be the lowest ever recorded. ‘It is just simple class prejudice,’ the spokesman added, ‘Everyone in the country – except those that don’t actually know what they are – thinks politicians – especially those in government – are less than vermin.’
The government’s continued unpopularity does show no signs of decreasing, added to the many recent scandals such as: the expenses debacle, the email dirty tricks and so many more, it does seem that government, and politicians in general, have sunk to new lows. The government spokesman went on to say:
We in the political classes, feel that we can no longer stand idly by whilst politicians are routinely exposed to this prejudice, hatred and scorn. So we are looking at ways of ending this class prejudice once and for all by brining in new legislation that will make disparagement of politicians, and criticism of the government, illegal.
We see ourselves as a breed apart from the rest of society, therefore we can regard ourselves as a separate ethnic grouping, and being as there are so few of us, compared top the population as a whole we are therefore an ethnic minority.
So any prejudice against politicians is – quite simply – racism. So any future criticism of politicians, and – especially that persecuted minority the government – on TV, in the papers, in blogs and even in conversations in what few remaining pubs there are left, will all be counted as race-hate crimes and prosecuted by the police accordingly.
The government has also announced that being a politician will – in future – also be regarded as a religion, and therefore any disparagement or criticism of politicians – and, of course, the government will as be classed as Religious Hatred.
The government spokesman added:
It seems obvious that, for example, ‘the holy sacrament of claiming expenses, the necessity of taking fact-finding pilgrimages to exotic foreign beachfront locations, and – quite obviously – the infallibility of the Prime Minister and all other government ministers, demonstrate that government politics is – in fact – a religion and that MPs as members of that religion should be offered the same protection under the religious-hatred law as the adherents of any other religion.
Asked to comment on the proposals, a government minister said:
That is the great thing about making laws like this. We can get them to mean just what we want them to mean. So rather than having to go through the tedious business of arguing with people who don’t share our worldview, we simply make it illegal for them to say anything we don’t want to hear… at all. You have to admire the beautiful simplicity of it… especially now it is illegal not to.