In a bid to reduce traffic accidents by making the road safer and the pedestrian areas – possibly – more attractive the London Borough of Camden has announced plans to introduce the UK’s first ‘naked’ High Street.
Following experiments in Scandinavia (where else) that demonstrated that even partially nudity will cause motorists to slow down and pay more attention to their surroundings, therefore reducing accidents as well as reducing the need to litter the area with signs, bollards, road markings and all other such roadside detritus. The Camden council have therefore made plans to make sure that all pedestrians will only be allowed on a 380-metre stretch of its High street if they are completely naked; except for shoes, of course, and – the council hope – in the case of younger women, thigh-length black leather boots. Although a council official said, while the latter was not – unfortunately – compulsory many on the council would be keen to make it so in the future.
The council official went on to say that all pedestrian road crossings were to be removed as well, saying:
If someone wants to cross the street they will be able to do that anywhere along the road simply by making sure they catch the driver’s attention. For example a gentleman may have to slap his todger down on the front of car to make sure he has the driver’s attention, whereas a lady will only have to bend over a little it and smile as she passes in front of the – by now – stalled car.
Some critics have expressed concern that the amount of nudity on the street is bound to cause congestion as drivers stop to ogle the naked pedestrians. However, the council spokesman was quick to counter such suggestions, pointing out that as a London Borough, the area had more than its fair share of rather unsightly people, even when fully clothed.
In fact there could be more of a danger – thinking about some of the people who come to complain at our council offices and what they’d look like with their dangly bits hanging out – of people causing accidents by speeding away from the area as fast as they can. On the whole, however, we expect it to balance out in the end
After all there are some kinky sods out there who can get turned on by all manner of things that would have the rest of us puking over the cat. I’ve seen some of those websites – purely for research, of course – and I know. Dirty… dirty bastards.
There are other doubts being expressed about the wisdom of the scheme, for instance just how many pedestrians – even in London – would venture out naked and expose their interesting bits to the ever-present dangers of frostbite during, say, a typical British summer’s day. There is also the worry that many men will prefer to stay indoors during the winter months to avoid exposing themselves to ridicule, that is – of course – if passers-by can even see the joke.
As one person from outside London said:
They are – after all – Londoners, and we all know just how irritating bloody cockneys can be, whether they’re in the buff or not. After all, you don’t want some dodgy middle-aged slapper giving the bonnet of your brand-new Audi a Pearly Queen as she crosses the road in front of you, do you?