How To Stalk Wild Animals


No jungle-camouflaged gear from the bobble-hat down to your novelty SAS-style socks is of any real use out in the field. Really the only sensible option is the tartan jockstrap, motor-driven rotating silver tinsel nipple-tassels and day-glo wellies. Any animal you attempt to stalk in such a get-up will be too embarrassed to give you more than a cursory glimpse before pointedly looking away in guilty self-conscious awkwardness.

Thus, while the animal does its best to ignore you, you can creep ever closer, perhaps even close enough to trap the animal, and then sell it either double-glazing or life insurance.

These days though, some of the more intelligent animals do seem to be able to tell when you are creeping up on them in order to make a sale. They seem to have evolved the ability to ignore big game salesmen completely. I have heard tales of a whole herd of zebras out on the Serengeti plains who can demonstrate complete indifference to high-pressure big game salesmen, even those with devastatingly beguiling PowerPoint presentations that would otherwise totally enthral, for example, say, a European bullfinch or water vole.

This is – for salespeople – a very worrying trend indeed and one that they would be well-advised to keep under strict observation.

Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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