Temptations Of The Flesh

Even if it is your most favourite goat that succumbs to deeds and actions which fill you with lustful thoughts and provokes desires within your very soul that could have only one consequence, then the Skhighhibhoss demands that you instead worship him, prostrating yourself on the stony desert ground repeatedly until all thoughts of wanton and lewd goats are cleansed from your mind and heart by his beneficence.

Then you should make your way to the nearest temple where the local Dhaftghit will make arrangements for both you and the strumpet goat to be stoned to death (followed by a minced goat supper for all the stoners and their apprentice stone gatherers).

[The temptations Of the Goat – The Ladhifeah: 1st Book of Adjustable Spanners – Chapter VII (verses 8901-9907.3)]


To the outsider, or – Indeed – anyone in possession of even a modicum of rationality the above extract from the Uttabollux most Holy book The Ladhifeah seems extreme in its barbaric pointlessness. For – as the Ladhifeah insists throughout its 4000+ pages – a woman should be kept at all times in her cardboard box to prevent her provoking uncontrollable lusts in any nearby men folk.

However, with the women therefore constantly hidden from view and homosexuality punished by being stoned to death (twice) using small and sharply pointed pebbles – and for those caught in the act – fine-grain gravel – it is a slow, lingering, painful and – even, sometimes, quite boring – death. This – in the forbidding desert landscape in which the Uttabollux religion first developed – leaves only goats.

In an otherwise barren and – mostly inhospitable – landscape, a man is often, therefore, left alone and very sexually frustrated with only his flock of goats for company. It is hardly any wonder then, that those goats can provoke a man’s desire, unless – of course – he gets turned on by the only other living thing visible for miles around, small stunted juniper bushes. This, however, is not entirely unknown in that country, and is – obviously – punishable by death by stoning; this time, though, with house bricks.

Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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