These days it is not that often we have to call out the 24-hour mobile Small Mammal Mollifiers with their pre-saturated transverse small mammal mollifying devices, even in the wild untamed jungle of the public transport system, except – of course – on Tuesdays during the first month after the Christmas holidays.
Nowadays, with such experts always at the ready, the danger of having to deal with any un-mollified small mammal during the course of one’s usual working day has been reduced almost to zero. In fact, recent government-sponsored research has revealed that anyone born after the date of Paul McCartney’s first solo post-Beatles beard will probably never have come across any un-mollified small mammal during their use of public transport, unless – of course – they are resident in one of the outer London boroughs.
Of course, back before the explosion in small portable consumer electronics, any small mammal mollifiyer encountering an un-mollified small mammal would have had recourse to the slide rule, cheese sandwich, plumb bob and portable tensing racket that had been the standard small animal mollification tools from almost the beginning of the Victorian era. Back in those days too, the various small mammal mollifying stances and ritual incantations were a basic part of the school syllabus with even a child of as young as 12 being able to snap into the Crouching Stockbroker, Bewildered Dental Hygienist In A Chinese Takeaway stance as immediately on hearing the standard initial small-mammal mollifying incantations such as ‘Oh shit! What the hell is that thing scuttling around the wainscoting?’ or ‘Run away! Run away! It’s a monster!’
These days, though, small mammal mollification is best left to the fully-certificated expert, unless you want to be sued – or severely beaten about the head and neck with a sharpened portable tensing racquet.