Now, as we approach the hides I want you to be as quiet and discreet as possible. This means if you have mobile, phones or pagers please turn them off, and any intimate massaging devices you may have about your person, please switch those off too, as these creatures can sniff out an immanent orgasm at over 100 yards.
Now as we live in somewhat more enlightened times, some of you may never have seen the Greater Enraged Interfering Busybody in its natural habitat before. So, all of you be as discreet as possible as we make our way down into the Nature Reserve.
Here in this corner of the nature reserve, our naturalists have attempted to recreate a normal suburban street from the latter half of the 20th century, a place where the Enraged Busybody feels most at home. If you are very quiet, you will see the busybodies – once dusk begins to fall – slowly appear from behind the curtains where they spend most of the daylight hours ensconced, making careful but copious notes on the vagaries of their immediate neighbours.
However, once dusk settles they will emerge from their lairs and set out – armed with a torch and a stout walking stick – in search of their prey, who – in a more innocent age – were once called ‘courting couples’. Those of you who have been the victim of the busybody will need no explanation for just how off-putting bright torchlight in the face and the swift application of a stout walking stick to the more delicate regions can be. For the rest of you, your information pack provides illustrative diagrams.
Anyway, our naturalist are very keen to discover the greatest mystery of the Greater Enraged Interfering Busybody, which is ‘precisely how do they breed?’ This is especially puzzling, as busybodies seem to emerge out of nowhere already middle-aged without any trace of ever being young, a teenager, or even a child. Once this mystery has been solved, then maybe we can find someway to keep this – albeit fascinating – pest under better control and stop them interfering in the doings of the rest of us.