MPs in the House of Commons are set to have a debate on sex education in the very near future.
A spokeswoman for the leader of the House, Dirty Harry Harman, said:
While most MPs regard sex within a monogamous relationship as the ideal, the simple fact is the life of an MP does lead them into temptations that some of them may have difficulty coping with, especially when they insist on only employing sexy young ‘researchers’.
We must also educate MPs about the number of ‘massage’ parlours and other such places in close proximity to the Houses of Parliament, the ever-present danger of resentful spouses bent on revenge and the ubiquity of tabloid reporters with telephoto lenses and an innate suspicion of the motives of all politicians.
The debate is scheduled to begin with a lecture, in one of the committee rooms of the Houses of Parliament, featuring detailed instructions and full-colour explicit illustrations on the fundamentals of call girls and rent boys and how to tell the difference between them, with a supplemental free-form open session on just how much to tip the madam.
The MPs will then return to the chamber to debate how to delete incriminating texts, pictures and videos from computers and mobile phones. They will also discuss why ‘Would you like to see the size of my majority?’ is not a good initial chat-up line.
The MPS also wish to discuss which are the best ‘fact-finding’ trips to get booked on, and how long they will have to waste glad-handing the local dignities and visiting what they are purportedly there to see, before they can head off to the local lap-dancing clubs, live sex shows and brothels.
There are also some supplementary motions put forward to be included in the debate on such matters as how a MP can trade confidential information from government departments, or influential back bench committees, though leaks to favoured journalists in return for that journalist’s newspaper not printing the story about the MP, his Swedish research assistants, the fashion designer, the wallaby and the ‘fact-finding’ trip to Welshpool.
Finally, a government spokeswoman insisted there will be a strong reminder to MPs to NOT to claim any of it on expenses, at all, ever – at least without first disguising it as essential office expenses connected solely to their work as a Member of Parliament.