Chainlink Foottreddle was one of the great Victorian engineers and inventors who first shot to fame as the inventor of the Hand-Cranked Wanking Engine. It was market as:
That invaluable aid for the solitary gentleman who finds himself without the aid of an upstairs maid, gentleman’s gentleman or common street trollop when in need of physical release – Ideal for dinner parties (after the ladies have withdrawn) and gentlemen’s clubs.
He was also credited with the design of the first bridge over the River Severn intended solely for crossings made by pogo stick. The bridge itself was a classic Victorian design and would have been a spectacular sight as its massive steel beams bridged the gap between banks at one of the widest points on the Severn. Unfortunately, in a rare moment of oversight, Foottreddle had not realised that the pogo stick was yet to be invented.
However, Foottreddle, despite his many successes, including his Steam-Powered Automated Lady’s Undergarmentary Removal system and his Toast Mesmeriser, was always thwarted by the one invention that always seemed to elude him.
As a typical Victorian gentleman Foottreddle was – of course – fascinated by prostitutes, the street whores, trollops, gay girls and so on that seemed to be everywhere in those days. Foottreddle was convinced that some sort of Steam-Powered Trollop Sorting Device would soon become essential for any gentleman wishing to peruse the carnal delights on offer in one of the many brothels that could be found in even the most mundane market town, let alone the big cities and – of course – the capital itself.
Unfortunately, however, Victorian England did not – at the time – have any standard measure for the grading of trollops, hussies, strumpets, or even floozies and the Imperial Slattern Measure was known to be widely inaccurate except under perfect weather conditions, even a slight drizzle was known to throw it out of true by a factor of ten, classing even a mildly-pleasant slattern as ‘Trouser-damagingly erotic, especially when utilising a pomegranate for the delectation of a gentleman’.
Consequently Foottreddle’s great machine never did get beyond the planning stage and a few half sorted strumpets in Hampstead. His dream in tatters, Foottreddle died a broken man a few years later in the upstairs ‘Gentleman’s Special Cucumber’ room at his local suburban brothel.
Although, supporters of Foottreddle lobbied for a State Funeral in recognition of his engineer genius, it was denied by the government of the day, and so – apart from a few specialists of the period his name was – until now – lost to history.