A Fine Figure of a Woman

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She was – of course – a fine figure of a woman. A fact that had been fully-audited by many independent experts. But Pantechnicon Dodecahedron was far more than a pretty face – and a body that made men walk into lampposts. Dodecahedron first shot to fame in her very first film Kill Them Until They are Dead! where she played the vital third corpse. Dodecahedron is discovered on the bathroom floor by the world-weary detective, played – of course by Gravelly Chinstubble in one of his most famous grizzled detective roles. Dodecahedron was, as usual in these films, killed while taking a shower. Consequently, her naked body lay unmoving on screen for almost the entire 7 minutes of the scene. Film buffs, of course made sure they studied this scene in minute detail, even before the days of the VCR and its juddering freeze-frame. Some men said she had a body of an angel. Whilst some men, commenting on her ability to stay unmoving whilst naked, say she reminded them very much of their own wives.

After this critical, and popular, success, Dodecahedron played several more naked corpses in many other films. In one famous continuity error, Dodecahedron played two dead bodies in the same film. Even so, Dodecahedron’s agent was able to get her a small speaking part in her next film. Here, she had two lines of dialogue before becoming the serial killer’s next – naked, of course – victim.

Dodecahedron was now receiving more and more attention from the general public. So, in turn, film producers began to pay more attention to her and cast her more often. The box office success of all the films she appeared in made Dodecahedron an enormous star in the making.

Dodecahedron’s next breakthrough, though, came when she played not only the naked murder victim, but also – in a key scene of the film – the naked corpse on the pathologist’s autopsy table. This film was also a milestone in Dodecahedron’s career for another reason. Not only did she have seven lines, but she was also featured in two separate scenes before she became the naked corpse.

Dodecahedron’s next film saw her star on the film poster for the first time, as well as featuring in the trailers. It looked as though she was on her way at last.

Her great success, of course, led to a glut of films featuring naked female corpses – a trend many believe still continues to this day.

Although, in her next film, Kill Death to Murder III, Dodecahedron was not only the star, she didn’t get killed at all, surviving right through to the final credits. Not only that, apart from one shot of her naked back as she exits the shower, she was not naked at all in the film. As the film was released at its publicity press conference, Dodecahedron released a statement saying that this film would be the very last one where she would appear naked in any way at all.

The film, of course, was a massive flop and Dodecahedron never worked in the industry again. Instead, she made a very lucrative career in advertisements for shampoo and shower gel before retiring a multimillionaire at the age of 37, becoming Gravelly Chinstubble’s 12th wife and – much more importantly – his personal manager.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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