Splendidthighs Mellowhoney was every man’s dream woman. Including those dreams involving the ostrich feather, a flat cap and a tin of golden syrup so common in the erotica of the 1950s. Mellowhoney first came to prominence, an apt phrase in this context, in the nascent post-war glamour boom. A time when there was an outbreak of what came to be known as glamour magazines. Each featuring near naked or undressed ladies in poses more provocative than explicit. Often with the traditional tin of golden syrup, or a flat cap or two placed strategically to avoid the wrath of the censors.
Of course, such magazines were roundly condemned from the pulpit and by school headmasters. Thus allowing anyone in such positions of authority to confiscate such magazines and postcards with impunity. Often so that a greater study of the pernicious influence of these publications could be made in the privacy of such a person’s study.
Rather than causing these publications to fade away, of course, such protestations about them only drew them to the attention of more and more men and adolescent boys. Consequently, Splendidthighs Mellowhoney was soon famous throughout the length and breath of Britain. Eventually becoming a forces’ favourite, as well as appearing in so many of those young men’s dreams involving flat caps and golden syrup, and – sometimes – even an ostrich feather.
A celebrity wedding to Britain’s then leading man Hunk Slab made the front pages of all the tabloids. After that, it was not long before Mellowhoney herself began to appear in films.
Although, critics of the day suggested that in her first few roles it was the tin of golden syrup that showed the most promising acting ability, rather than Mellowhoney herself. However, Mellowhoney put herself under the tutelage of Hunk Slab’s own acting coach. This coach was a gifted teacher who was credited with successfully coaching Slab to master words of more than one syllable. Under his exacting tutelage, Mellowhoney went from strength to strength in her acting ability over her subsequent films.
However, in those strictly hypocritical and moral times, when Hunk Slab was found pleasuring a squad of Household Cavalry out on Clapham common, the couple had no choice but to divorce under a cloud of bad press coverage and moral condemnation.
Still the UK’s greatest home grown sex-symbol Mellowhoney went on to star in many more films. As she got older, her looks faded, of course. However, she still remained many mature men’s favourite wielder of the ostrich feather and tin of golden syrup. Mellowhoney’s acting ability deepened and grew as she slowly developed from sex symbol into mature actress, and then into arguably Britain’s greatest acting dame.
Now retired but still active, she runs a pub The Flat Cap and Ostrich Feather, just off the A54. There anyone who enters and asks for a tin of golden syrup gets a free three-course meal and a signed photograph of Mellowhoney in her glamorous heyday.