Not A Celebrity

It was never going to be easy, not with those knees, but Modicum Pikestaff vowed that one day he would be famous. However, as he didn’t lack any discernible talent becoming a celebrity would be a challenge. Being an adept impersonator of native British trees, with a rather spectacular interpretation of an early-budding larch, he was already far too talented to appear on any of the talent shows on UK TV. Not only that, having even a modicum of talent meant he was refused membership of the world celebrity circus.

Consequently, Pikestaff was put on the world media’s Not a Celebrity warning list. This list prevents any of the world’s media and press showbiz and gossip columnists mentioning, or the paparazzi photographing, anyone who is even suspected of having any discernible talent or other useful or notable reason for being famous. Thus preventing them ever accidentally appearing in the world’s gossip columns. That is, except for politicians, who – while of course having no talents whatsoever – are allowed to appear in such columns and photographs. Mostly as a warning to other celebrities about what could happen if they let themselves go, or make utter arses of themselves. Especially so when the celebrities attempt to do anything other than gurn for the cameras, fall out of their dresses or attempt to beat up cameramen.

Still, though, as a natural tree-impersonator, Pikestaff was – of course – in great demand as an actor. In particular in the high-budget film industry where to have the acting ability of a tree stump is one of the most prized assets of a film star.

However, the shallow vacuous world of the star actor, especially one ignored by the celebrity columnists and paparazzi, was not one that Pikestaff desired. So he was condemned to make a good living on the busy tree-impersonator circuit. He started out in the local nature and wildlife nightclubs alongside stoat charmers, exotic bird dancers, bramble and nettle conjurers and – of course – stand-up badgers.

For a while, Pikestaff did consider doing a comedy tree-impersonation set, but that did mean he would lose his famous weeping willow impersonation from his repertoire. His manager, Cubby Hole, thought that an hour or more of silver birch jokes was something that the club audiences were not ready for… yet.

However, with his new show Oak Trees of the Rich and Famous, Pikestaff hopes to break into new ground as he takes his show – for the first time – into the stadiums of the world. Maybe now he will break through and onto that most-coveted celebrity status list this time, even despite his obvious talents.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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