A Nice Cup of Tea and the Olympics

Now the Commonwealth Games are all over, attention shifts to the next Olympics in 2016.

Surreptitious ‘Dunk’ Digestive is undoubtedly the UK’s leading Olympic-level tea drinker, despite his poor showing in the London Olympics 200-yard Earl Grey finals. However, his coach, the legendary All-Luton Champion, Stain ‘The Teabag’ Tanninlevel has promised that his boy will be ready for the next Olympics in Rio. Digestive had already set a world record time of 23.786 in the 400 metres Breakfast Tea European championship finals in Berlin, despite some stiff opposition from the Austrian Hans Halloverher, undoubtedly his greatest rival – barring injury – in the next Olympics.

Of course, Olympic level Tea Drinking is a very much different event to our normal day-to-day competitive tea drinking. The specially-designed teacups used by the professional athletes are far from the ordinary mug most of us drink our daily tea from, even when competing at a local level. The computer-designed Olympic cups, developed at the All-England Tea Research Facility at Millwall, are largely credited with shaving nearly a hundredth of a second off Digestive’s time at Berlin. The special cup also gives him much better grip on the handle when cornering. It’s all-weather design too means the weather will not adversely affect the tea-drinkers performance, even during the heaviest of downpours. After all, we all remember the great tragedy of the 1968 Olympics. There, Fred Cuppa had to drink the equivalent of seven cups, during his 1500 meters final, due to the freakish thunderstorm which lasted for most of the event. This despite his official saucer-holder’s cunning use of the umbrella down the final back straight.

Anyway, since that event and its tragic aftermath when Cuppa was forced to queue at the wholly-inadequate competitor’s toilets for three hours – with its inevitable tragic consequences – the rules have now been changed. However, with the introduction of full-strength builder’s tea into the competition as a demonstration event at the next Olympics, Digestive and his team-mates in the British Tea squad should bring home at least seven medals. Not only that, the British synchronised biscuit-dunking squad also looks full of promise. Especially in the freestyle Rich Tea event as well as the Hobnob dressage.

All in all, then, it looks like another golden age for British Olympic sport is on the horizon and we can only wish the competitors the best of luck for the future.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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