Wearing the Wellies

Well, it all makes sense now, doesn’t it?

After all, there must be a reason for it, mustn’t there? Because we all know things… especially things like that, do not happen without a reason. For most of us, wearing wellies and a bikini is not a normal daily fashion choice and so she must have had a reason.

Just why there was a hedgehog in the bathtub too, is not something that should be let pass without at least some form of investigation.

After all, we all, these days, know quite a bit about investigations. Most of the TV schedules these days are taken over by reality, talent and consumer lifestyle shows. So, on the odd occasions we do find some drama, it is more often than not, based around some form of criminal investigation, usually murder. After all, there is nothing that says ‘good all-round family entertainment’ like a brutally-killed corpse leaking blood all over a murder scene.

So why was she wearing the wellies and a bikini? And just what was the hedgehog doing in the bathtub?

Alas, such mysteries do tend to create more attempted solutions and explanations as time goes by. After all, there were reports of UFOs in the region just before this particular incident came to the attention of the authorities. Also, there was talk in the local area of a radiation leak, foreign spies and religious fundamentalists. There was also a rumour of canvasing political activists in the area, as well as talk about a Satanic sect engaged in unsavoury rituals using local virgins, or failing that – as any virgins haven’t been seen in the area since the early 1950s – hedgehogs.

Of course, if any one in the local area with a vendetta against a woman living alone accuses that woman of being a witch, it is only sensible to take the precaution of putting your wellies and bikini on. If only just in case the local historical society take their reenactment duties too seriously, as is their wont. For example, by trying to reintroduce the ducking stool back into the local justice system. And if anyone suggest that the hedgehog she took in over the winter months to prevent it starving is – somehow – her witch’s familiar, then it would be a sensible precaution to dampen it down to prevent any local zealot from attempting to burn it at the stake.

However, all this is – at the moment – mere speculation. Meanwhile, we await a full investigation by the local police, once all diversity criteria have been satisfied and a Health and safety check undertaken. Only then will we be confident that this mystery has at last been resolved to everyone’s satisfaction. Apart from the conspiracy theorists, of course, who are still trying to tie in the reported UFO activity that night with the suspicious deaths of the inventor of the bikini, at least three US presidents and the somewhat unexpected result of the 1975 FA cup final.

But that is conspiracy theorists for you.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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