Pogo Stiltoncheese is probably the UK’s leading exponent of the extreme sport known as grenade juggling. Although, most practitioners of such extreme sports usually have a career measured in minutes, if not seconds, Stiltoncheese has been thrilling audiences with her abilities, albeit it at a safe distance, for nearly two whole years, with only the loss of three fingers, two of them her own.
Consequently, despite stiff competition from several UK sportsmen and women who have recently taken up the sport, Stiltoncheese is still the UK’s champion. She is now looking for sponsorship from companies with an interest either in short-term personal accident insurance, or the resale of recently-detached body parts, to sponsor her as she competes to become the UK’s leading contender in the field. In particular, when Extreme Grenade Juggling becomes an officially-recognised sport at the next Olympic games in 2016 in Rio. That is, providing the Rio Olympic organisers can find the essential disused quarry close enough to the main Olympic areas, but out of shrapnel range, to stage the event.
Of course, since the invention of the grenade back in ancient times, right up until they became more common in warfare in the mid-19th century, the ability to juggle hand grenades has been an highly-prized ability in the armed forces. Albeit providing, of course, the juggler does remember to let go at the appropriate moment. Fortunately – or unfortunately, depending on how close you are to the juggler at the time – it is a mistake that most grenade jugglers only ever make once in their careers.
However, Stiltoncheese herself, had an unconventional introduction to the sport. Usually competitors in this rather exacting discipline learn the art of grenade juggling in the armed forces. However, Stiltoncheese herself discovered what many regard as an innate ability to juggle dangerously explosive ordnance when, at the age of six, she came across her teenage brother’s discarded socks. Although, more volatile than a mere hand grenade, the teenager’s socks were not the sort of thing anyone would like to keep in their hands for an extended period, if at all. Thus did Stiltoncheese discover her innate juggling ability.
For most people, unless they discover with themselves a propensity towards juggling flaming batons or other suck dangerous materials, such an experience puts them off such activities for life. However, Stiltoncheese herself felt that such items did not go far enough, or satisfy her craving for juggling dangerous objects and materials that the early experience with those deadly socks engendered in her.
At around the age of ten, when out playing one day, digging holes in her grandparent’s garden, Stiltoncheese discovered an unexploded WWII hand grenade. She spent the rest of that afternoon learning how to juggle it, before having it taken from her by a very nervous army bomb disposal expert. This significant event established the direction of her future juggling career, from which she has never looked back.
We can only hope that, if she survives the qualifying competitions, and the necessarily rigorous training sessions, between now and Rio 2016, that Stiltoncheese will bring home gold for Britain at long last.