International-Level Competitive Dining

It came out of the sky… sort of.

She had – quite recently – perfected the art of overarm bowling. Consequently, those of us around the table have had to develop our own reflexes to professional match standards.

There are some who say that International-level meal serving is going out of fashion in British homes these days. Mainly as more and more people move away from traditional sit-down meals and into kitchen grazing and meals in front of the TV.

This trend, if it continues will, of course lead to a steep decline in the standards of British teams wanting to compete at international level in many meal-based sports. This includes such sports as the 100 Metre Supper, the Mixed Doubles Dinner-Party and the Freestyle Petit-Dejeuner, where the traditional Full English completely outclasses the much-weaker foreign breakfasts. Especially the tactically-naive Continental Breakfast, which had a tendency to fall apart in the chicane, as anyone with any experience of a crumbly croissant will no doubt appreciate.

Of course, as alluded to above, the great strength of the British Meal sports teams is in their at-the-table tactical ability. They have, though, been let down in the past by the weakness of their kitchen to table delivery system. Mainly because the British waiting staff are notoriously less able then their Continental competitors. Apart, that is, from the French waiting staff, of course, who traditionally refuse to compete at international level.

Hence the research going on at the UK’s Sports Science facility dining room. Here the technicians and scientists there have developed, through the extensive use of computer modelling and wind tunnel experiments, the use of the fast overarm meal delivery system. This has already shaved seven-tenths of a second off the current Olympic world record set by the Dutch master Hennrick Van Fingerdyke for the apple strudel.

However, as the British team do admit, the high-speed waitressing service does still have a few teething problems. In particular with the fast bowling of such things as gravy, sauces and, especially, that great British tactical strength – custard. Still, though, the British sports technologists, working in complete custard-proof dining rooms are experimenting with laser-guided gravy delivery. They are also testing the use of jet-powered roller skates for soup serving. Both of these tactical techniques are allowed by the somewhat arcane rules of the sport. However, The German team, following the great Sauerkraut tragedy of seven years ago at the Beijing Olympics, have asked the international dining sports federation to outlaw the use of artificial aids such as jet-powered serving skates and laser-guided gravy boats.

Therefore we can only wait and see if this very traditional – if not conservative – sport governing body rules this exciting new technology in or out of bounds. We must, therefore, await their the consequences of their ruling for the future of this fine old sport of which the UK is now a major contender for future international honours.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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