Spleen Toolshed is perhaps the UK’s leading celebrity DIY TV show star. His first programme Cocking it up with Toolshed is widely acclaimed as the first modern DIY programme on British TV. In the past, the DIY programme scene was dominated by men who knew what they were doing, even when what they were doing was ballsing things up. Several, unlike Toolshed himself, actually knew which end of the hammer you hit the nail with. A skill Toolshed has yet to master, even though after 3 major TV series and over 250 individual programmes he can now distinguish a nail from a box of miscellaneous fixings an astonishing three out of seven times. A skill which puts him at least in the top 8% of British DIY enthusiasts.

Although DIY as a pastime has declined from its heyday, weekends and bank holidays often find men being dragged around DIY emporia by women with a gleam in their eye that actual experience has left undimmed. These women dream of bathrooms and kitchens that will be the envy of their friends, and not as now resembling one of those houses the special forces use to train for urban terrorism operations.

Still Toolshed himself, despite his lack of ability, talent or experience. Or – more likely because of his complete lack of self-awareness – has made a lucrative career out of invading people’s homes. He turns up with a camera crew and a gang of cowboy associates. Then after some self-conscious under-rehearsed banter the cowboys begin buggering about with that house – usually to the despair of the householder – until that programme’s budget has all gone. Which, unfortunately for the householder these days, means quite a bit of buggering about. For as the programme’s popularity has – inexplicably to some – increased, so has its budget.

Most critics put the success of the programme down to the fact that it is up against the Sunday evening religious programmes on the other side, which makes it the only really safe haven for those who do not know that most modern TVs do now have an off switch.

Because of this Toolshed’s newest TV programme Toolshed’s Domestic Disasters is now one of the most watched programmes, not only in its time slot, but on TV in the UK as a whole. Many say they only watch it to see the look of horror and despair on the home-owner’s face when Toolshed and his herd of grinning hammer-wielding simpletons unveil what they have done to a previously quite nice house. Something that almost invariably involves a lot of purple, shiny things and incredible amounts of shoddy tat.

Surprisingly, Toolshed has only been sued less than a dozen times by irate householders foolish enough to let him lose in their homes, often merely in the hope that they themselves will actually appear on television.

Still, there is hope for the UK, after it was recently announced by a government in desperate need of some good publicity that they will be employing Toolshed as an adviser on the UK’s perennial housing shortage. All we can hope is that they do not allow him anywhere near any more of Britain’s limited housing stock with his hammer.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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