Skinnydip Watercourse is these days probably the UK’s leading exponent of the celebrity fad. Once almost famous for playing a minor role in a daytime soap, Watercourse became a fixture on the celebrity panel-show circuit several years ago. This was after, famously, the Metropolitan Police’s Anti-Celebrity Squad caught her doing something undisclosed with a Swedish Plumber in the immediate vicinity of a malfunctioning washing machine. Of course, this is illegal under the EU’s long-standing Tabloid Cliché laws. Consequently, it resulted in Watercourse herself receiving a sentence of seventeen years on the notoriously harsh celebrity chat show circuit. There she had to perform hard labour by coming up with countless mildly-amusing anecdotes and coy references to her brush with the forces of law and order. When there she often utilised several innuendos about what she would do with any hunky plumbers in the live studio audience, if the show’s host dared bring a malfunctioning washing machine onto the stage.
This somewhat harsh sentence did rehabilitate Watercourse and made her into a putative celebrity. However, it was not all plain sailing for Watercourse. Mainly because her agent could not decide whether her audience demographic would prefer her to recover publicly from a drink or a drug ‘hell’. Especially so when the agent discovered to his horror that Watercourse did not like drinking and had a morbid fear of drugs. Apparently, this was due to an unfortunate childhood experience involving her pet guppy and a horse tranquilliser. An event she still will not speak of in any detail, despite her many years on the unforgiving chat show circuit and some very lucrative offers for a ‘tell-all’ exclusive from several tabloid newspapers.
However, Watercourse, much to her agent’s relief, had developed a serious Cornish pasty addiction. This is mainly because of spending so many years on the chat show circuit. A milieu where the open consumption of Cornish pasties is endemic in the dressing rooms and green rooms of most of the Western world’s TV studios.
Consequently, Watercourse had put on some weight. Fortunately, it was enough for her to become a regular in the ‘My Bikini Hell’ feature in the Sidebars Of Shame of most of the UK’s tabloid and celebrity websites.
Watercourse tearfully confessed she’d piled on an incredible 0.75 of a gram due to her pasty habit live on TV. She then swore that she would go on a diet to remove the stigma and horror of her weight gain ‘for my many fans who don’t deserve to see me like this.’
She went on to announce the release of a TV series, book, DVD, Diet Club sign-up website and other marketing opportunities. All these would give her many fans worldwide an opportunity to join her in her quest for the ultimate hot super-body. She added that the merchandise would all be available just in time for next Christmas. Just at the right time for her fans to make their New Me New Year’s Resolutions.