On The Beat With The Grammar Police

But even if you do start a sentence with ‘but’, it is not the end of the world. After all, if you have a secure enough hideout the grammar police will not find you. Unless they hunt you down with the helicopters and sniffer dogs, of course. However, if you do something really beyond the pale like missing a vital apostrophe or using their instead of there, then there will be no place of safety for you.

After all, the grammar police do have quite a lot on their plates these days. Both figuratively as well as literary, being as it is such hungry work, especially with the counter-terrorist work against the Grocers Apostrophe Collective’s (GA’CS). The GA’CS increasing reign of terror is causing such chaos and terror throughout the civilised world. The Grammar Police have concerns about how the GA’CS spread their influence through their cunning use of the Internet and social media to amplify their attacks on the English Language. In particular, what the GA’CS calls its ‘dictatorial hegemonic control of language in all it’s usage’s’.

Not only that, there are increasing reports of apostrophes stolen from everyday possessives going about their normal day-to-day business. There is talk of them put up for sale on the black market abroad, but also talk that the various Grocers Collective’s Cadres are stockpiling apostrophes for an offensive offensive later in the year.

However, since the broadening of the EU there has been a flood of foreign words entering the country. Consequently, the grammar police claim to be at full stretch dealing with these foreign words, some of which seem to have no vowels at all. It has reached such a crisis point that they have had to call in specially trained officers from the Welsh force to help them cope.

Many forces do now say though that the spate of text-speak that once plagued the nation does seem to be dying out. Some credit this to the drop in alcohol consumption throughout the country, thus making it easier for people to manage to type whole words. However, others cite the growing prevalence of auto-correct options. Some in the Grammar Police that the increased use of social media, where social pressure does tend to steer impressionable youngsters away from that first step on the road to language crime that is text speak.

The grammar police however do warn the general public always to be vigilant and to keep a close eye on their possessives. Especially out in buy High Streets and other such places where the Grocers Collective’s operate. Any member of the public with any doubts or concerns should always call the Grammar Police. In particular, if they do spot anything that could be an offence against proper grammatical usage.

Mind how you go.

 

Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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