The Physics Of Clothing Space

Plebiscite Umlaut is probably the world’s leading theoretical physicist in the rather specialised field of Theoretical Clothing Space.

As we all know, matter is not as straightforward as ordinary everyday experience suggests. This is especially so when it comes to clothes. Heisenberg’s breakthrough with uncertainty theory showed it was either possible to know a particle’s position in space or its momentum, but not both. Umlaut was able to show that there is a similar effect with clothing. It is possible to either find clothes that fit or look reasonable (possibly even good) but never both.

As with the Uncertainty Principle, the Clothing Principle (as it became known) there are other incompatibilities between other variables in the clothing equations. For example, an item of clothing can either look good or be cheap, but not both, except in that special region of retail space known as the Sale. This region of retail space shares many of the properties of black holes. In particular, it is a region where all the normal rules of physics break down. Consequently, in Sale Space, the intense power of a Sale completely distorts the relationship between price and value. Of course, as we know, there are regions of space known as A Closing Down Sale where all clothing matter eventually disappears. In time, some other very short-lived retail experience replaces the shop that was once there, or it becomes a charity shop.

Umlaut also did much of the last century’s innovative work into some of the other great mysteries of clothing space. In particular, those times when something that looks good in the shop will look terrible when you get it home. He discovered that the retail region causes subtle variations in the gravitational waves in its locality. These distortions make clothes look good. Especially in the way the retail mirrors can bend and distort light, even – in some places – slowing it down, so that the clothes always look better there that they do outside retail space.

This retail light distortion effect, first postulated by Umlaut, also goes some way towards explaining why people will often buy clothes unsuited to them, perhaps by age, build or some other variable. Because the light travels at different speeds within the retail environment, and because of the distortion by the gravitational waves, people will often believe that some item of clothing ‘suits’ them. But this effect is completely nullified when they step out of the special retail field and into the rest of the universe where the normal rules of suitability apply.

As people now know, everything changes once the clothes are in the home. However, despite some tentative exploration of the field, Umlaut never really made any great discoveries about the nature of wardrobe space. He once claimed ‘God doesn’t know where that blue shirt is.’ However, since Umlaut’s time there have been many new and potentially exciting discoveries about the nature of wardrobe space, which we will explore here at a future date.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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