A God’s Life

Some jobs are easier than others. Although sometimes, even those easy jobs do not go as well as those doing them would have hoped. Savoree did think that, on the whole, he did have quite a comfortable life and the job itself wasn’t that strenuous… normally. After all, as God of Cheese Biscuits he didn’t have much to do. Except, of course, the great Chocolate Finger and Gorgonzola heresy of the period the mortal historians now called the Cheese Dark Ages.

Mortals, Savoree insisted when the gods got together for their weekly meetings, were always the problem. However, as Shineething, the God of Alloy Wheels pointed out, without the mortals they would not be gods. Which for many of those around the table was something worth remembering. Especially when it came to submitting their expenses claims. After all, the God of Stapling Machines pointed out, even the rich countries couldn’t always provide the sacrifices their religion – whichever one it was – demanded of them.

Some gods, of course, much to Savoree’s annoyance spend a lot of time banging on about rationalising all the world’s religions into one. It would mean redundancies, but mainly among the gods of the smaller religions. Those small gods, though, had their defenders. Such as the Great Sky Lord Ickithing, whose twelve followers in one of the planet’s most inaccessible jungles worshipped him as the God of Unpleasant-Tasting Lizards. A role, he insisted, that was vital to retain the cultural diversity of the planet’s religions. This also, as it happens, led to him once having more bananas and virgins that the rest of the gods put together. The excess of virgins in the past was – Savoree believed – one of the main reasons why the Great Sky Lord now only had the twelve followers. Those sacrificed virgins, usually, being the slowest runners or those with a poor sense of direction who tried to flee as soon as they realised just what their virginity would entail. The remaining twelve followers, of course, were the descendants of those who’d discovered the best cure for virginity and went about taking care of it in that way, rendering themselves ineligible for sacrifice.

However, what really annoyed Savoree the most was that every time the god’s council broke for refreshment, it was always tea or coffee and sweet biscuits. At no time did they ever consider cheese biscuits, perhaps with a selection of fine wines.

He was considering a holy war… again.

And this time he would deploy the Stilton and water biscuits… whatever the consequences.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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