Origami Toaddeath

Origami Toaddeath is probably the UK’s current leading small businesswoman. She is – of course – most famous for the Toaddeath chain of handbag and coffee shops that now have a presence on all the UK’s High Streets, except Luton, of course, for obvious reasons.

Many thought, when she began with her first Toaddeath Handbag Cafe, ironically in Luton itself, that it would if it succeeded at all, be little more than a gimmicky fad like the last decade’s short-lived Stone-Age themed pubs. This was a concept based on the premise that when people have a certain amount to drink they revert to a less-civilised form of behaviour. Although, none of the project’s backers realised at the time that even the Stone-age would be a far too civilised time for Britain’s serious drinkers to emulate. However, a plan to introduce educational-troubled amoeba themed bars was scuppered after protests by the UK’s more vocal amoeba and single-cell based communities, especially its Luton branch, which has a long history of political activism.

However, despite these difficulties, Toaddeath herself was certain that a handbag cafe would be a success amongst the demographic she was looking to serve. She reasoned that there are a certain number, and a not insignificant number, of women, who like nothing better than buying handbags. This is a demographical fact. However, Toaddeath saw that those retailers ignored the other main aspect of the handbag buying routine. In particular, the part of the retail ritual where the woman and her friends, or – on rare occasions – their husbands or partners who can’t create an urgent appointment elsewhere, go off to a cafe to discuss the recently-bought items over a cup of coffee.

Counter-intuitively to some, the more expensive the handbag, then the more expensive the drinks and cakes bought will be. This is because the woman, when debating the merits of the recent purchases, eventually realise how much they have spent on what is – at heart – just a container for other stuff.

To the surprise of everyone – except, of course Toaddeath herself, the Toaddeath Handbag Cafes were a phenomenal success. The massive growth in her business enabled Toaddeath to move away from Luton and the burgeoning single-celled protest campaign groups that were making that whole area a no-go area for retail enterprise.

Within 18 months, Toaddeath had Handbag Cafes the length and breadth of the country. She had even tentatively started exploring the possibility of opening cafes in Wales and – daringly – Tewkesbury.

Some thought Toaddeath would rest on her laurels and enjoy her success. However, she – only yesterday – announced plans for a chain of brand new Toaddeath Shoe Shop Wine Bars, where women can buy shoes, then go immediately into the adjoined wine bar for several glasses of wine with their friends as they celebrate and examine their purchases.

This time, the world expects Origami Toaddeath to have nothing but success.

Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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