Well, obviously I would tell you more. I could possibly even draw a diagram. However, in these rather litigious times a mere sketch could end up with me serving several years behind bars, or – even worse – suffering a few months of tabloid front-page headlines.
Not only that, these days there is an ever-present seething mass of outrage poised for action at the drop of an ill-considered tweet. All ready to vent their instant outrage at any perceived breach of increasingly proscribed allowable thought.
After all, how dare you even think that? They, waiting hands over keyboard out there will make you regret even contemplating considering the thought of anything, no matter how trivial, they regard as beyond the pale.
Still, anyway, as I was going to avoid saying, mentioning or even alluding to, there are things out there that are going on. Certain things we all know we dare not mention, or even allude towards.
After all, we do live in a multicultural society – we are told – so the sexual practices of a certain minority should not be looked upon with anything approaching a judgmental attitude. As the old saying goes, ‘judge not, or you will be condemned most mightily on the social media sites and tabloid front pages.’
Not, of course, that the broadsheet will let it go by without some snide bit of gossip, innuendo and shallow hyperbole. All not much different to those tabloids they pretend to sneer at, while secretly envying and emulating. After all, there is little difference between a broadsheet journalist and a tabloid hack. Apart, that is, from a thesaurus and a poor third in Media Studies, or some such similar shallow debasement of the educational standards of what was once a semi- educated country.
Let alone should the mighty BBC look down from its high moral horse and consider you an unperson in its own Brave New World it is building one slanted news item at a time.
So, anyway, there we were.
She had the Edam and I had the Stilton.
Of course, the metropolitan elite look somewhat askance upon the erotic use of cheese these days. Mainly because they regarded such unusual cheeses as their preserve, unknown or misunderstood by the hoi-polloi. Now, though the erotic use of cheese is – as some cultural critics maintain – only a few months away from mass acceptance. So ordinary people can now look forward confidently to the time when – in the near future – full-frontal Brie dating site adverts appear out on the more mainstream websites.
Experts confidently predict too, that erotic cheese websites will soon no longer be hidden away as specialist sites, or used only by those in the over-privileged metropolitan middle-classes.
All that is need is a breakout trilogy of erotic cheese novels, such as Fifty Slices of Gruyere for the scene to go mainstream.
So, take my advice get in a stock of Double Gloucester now, and start polishing your Sage Derby bondage harness for the erotic cheese is coming… as it were.