The Great Terror Threat

She didn’t have the egg whisk, at least as not as far as we could see. But that didn’t mean that it was safe to approach. After all, standard anti-terrorist training teaches caution at all times, especially if the potential terrorist is in the kitchen. For we all know what a militant cookist is capable of when they gain access to a kitchen.

Most of the existing terrorist organisations faded away during the early 21st century as terrorism became too much like the kind of ordinary job radicals thought themselves too good for. Consequently, most people thought that terrorism had reached its natural end.

However, few people realised just how radicalised the younger generations in the Western world had become. Mainly through the almost constant diet of TV cookery programmes they were exposed to during their formative years. There was nothing more frustrating and alienating to these putative young radicals than to be bought up on a constant diet of cookery programmes. All while living in a society where most food consumed was takeaways and cheap processed supermarket ready meals.

Many of these young radicals complained about having a rolling pin or a chopping board, but not having anything to use them on. These youngsters started hanging out on secret radical cookery websites. There they would learn about cooking from the basic raw ingredients, as well as basic cookery techniques and theory. A radical approach that threatened to undermine the very basis of the Western ready meal based economic model. As well as a prospect that could bring about the possible downfall of so much of modern society from advertising right through to waste disposal. This radicalism could throw many thousands of people involved in the whole business of meal supply out of work. This radical cookeryism could then help create the kind of cookery-based society, which these young radicals are very keen to bring about.

After a while, these cookery fanatics formed several radical cookery terrorists groups, from the Nigella Brigade to the Deliah Revolutionary Front and the Jamie Army and the Young Ramseyists. All dedicated to the overthrow of the ready meal industry.

Soon it was not safe to risk a trip down the frozen ready meal aisle of a supermarket without the risk of confrontation by a cabbage or half a pound of raw mince put there by these terrorists. Then when the shoppers fled in panic from the raw ingredients, the terrorists phoned the media demanding that the media broadcast their recipe ideas and serving suggestions to the nation.

Soon companies had to transport snack foods in convoys, unless they wanted their cargoes hijacked and replaced by tasty homemade equivalents. Even a solo walk to the fish and chip shop ran the risk of kidnap. Once taken hostage, the terrorists tried to teach their hostages how to cook for themselves, often against the hostage’s will.

For once, in the recent history of humankind though, it seems this latest iteration of terrorism will not be so easily defeated. For, even now, despite the best efforts of the authorities and prepared food packagers, the internet is home to an increasing number of recipe sites. All multiplying faster than the authorities can take them down.

 

Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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