Once upon a time, there was….
No, there wasn’t. After all, even a woman of her… experience…. Well, not with a pumpkin anyway.
To be honest, life can get a bit lonely for a young girl in the magic forest. After all, talking animals leaping out of the undergrowth to engage in even trivial day-to-day banter about the weather, or eating your granny all up, can be disconcerting. It can make even the most self-confident fairy tale heroine a bit on the jumpy side.
As for the woodsman and his chopper, well we all know what happens, especially to young virg… girls, if they step off the path.
Not only that, try running out of a bear family’s hotel without paying for your room and board, as well as the accidental breakages, and they will not be very impressed. As for the bill for masticatory damage to an A1 Heritage Site listed Gingerbread cottage and you are looking at some serious money. Woodland dwellers in the magic forest do take the idea of neighbourhood watch very seriously. They will do more than look with more than a little suspicion at anyone skipping gaily down the path into the heart of fairyland.
Especially so after the several incidents during the last year’s Christmas’s Top Gear Special, where the boys in their cars ripped through the magic glade causing several gold coins worth of damage. Not only did Hammond’s car shatter a glass slipper left in the road, there is also footage of May frightening the unicorns. However, as the boys pointed out after the traditional post-Top Gear Twitter ‘outrage’, they did have to complete the course before midnight. Otherwise, their cars would turn back into pumpkins, or in James May’s case – a turnip.
Anyway, it all changed following the tabloid expose of what Goldilocks really got up to that day in the bear’s cottage and Little Red Riding Hood’s splitting from the band to go solo. Some say that now the magical forest has… well, lost some of its magic.
There is talk of one of the giant entertainment corporations taking over fairyland and maybe merging with some other region’s folk tales. As one executive from Megamedia Corp said, ‘These old European folktales are no longer commanding the market share they used to in the old days.’
Although, many critics would point out that it is corporations like Disney, and so on, who have taken the heart and soul out of the fairy tale world – destroyed the magic even. Often by turning what were once dark and often morbid morality tale into twee entertainment robbed of any depth or meaning.
But, in the meantime, there are rumours that the private intimate photos of Little Red Riding Hood (wearing nothing under her cape), Goldilocks, and even Old Mother Hubbard have been hacked. Allegedly, the photos are now available on certain websites, if you know where to look.