Another Failed Tabloid Expose


Paradiddle Locumbadger is probably the UK’s leading exponent of the art of underwater goat tickling. Underwater goat tickling was – of course – very popular in the UK right up until the late 1960s. It was a time when several drugs scandals and a number of allegations against some of its practitioners brought the scene into disrepute. Many of those former practitioners went on to become Radio One DJs or popular TV entertainers; such was their fall from grace. Meanwhile, the specially bred goats, who could survive for long periods underwater while being tickled, slid into depraved and neglected lifestyles. Some of them, it is rumoured, even ended up in national politics. A fate no decent caring human being would wish on anyone or anything, especially any semi-domesticated ruminant.

However, the scene did continue – mostly underground – and, of course, underwater. Several clubs opened up in the capital and other larger UK cities where goat ticklers could perform. Sometimes with up to seven goats at a time in the large tanks set up on the goat-tickling stages of these clubs. All performing whilst the patrons danced around to the electronically-amplified sounds of goats giggling underwater.

Of course, the tabloid newspapers were quick to condemn these clubs. As usual the tabloids suspected that if young people are enjoying themselves then something must be wrong somewhere. Allied with this was the fear that these youngsters were probably getting much more sex than the average tabloid reporter. Which is probably why the tabloids are opposed to virtually everything anybody else does.

However, that is all rather by the by. But it does go some way toward explaining why the tabloids spent so much time and effort trying to set up stings and exposes of the underwater goat tickling scene.

In particular, the tabloids were desperate to get something incriminating on Paradiddle Locumbadger himself, already the biggest – and highest paid – underwater goat tickler on the scene. He was also notorious for the number of groupies and female fans he attracted. For, as we all know, there is nothing more sensual or erotic to an impressionable young woman than seeing a man in the prime of his life engaged in the sensual act of tickling a goat underwater. Which, of course, caused outrage and consternation amongst the tabloid reporters, and the politicians outraged by anything that would get their names in the papers.

Locumbadger was too smart for the tabloid hacks, and for the politicians, of course. To get to the top of such a competitive art as underwater goat tickling requires great intelligence, acumen and an awareness of tactical finesse. All are attributes that easily outwit the lumbering crudities of the average tabloid reporter, or even politician (in the pre-political goat days, of course).

Thus was Paradiddle Locumbadger able to stay at the top of his game. Largely free from the scandals, shocks, sting operations and the blatant over-indulgent use of Horlicks that brought many of his contemporaries so low and so many goats into the sordid world of politics.

For that alone, them of Paradiddle Locumbadger should never be forgotten, especially wherever we hear the sound of an overly-moistened goat giggling freely.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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