The Leek Incident

Obviously, she was standing there in the vegetable aisle at the time. She had her hand on my courgette, so I was paying her the utmost attention, especially as my fish fingers were beginning to defrost.

‘Do you know,’ she said, ‘about the erotic power of leeks?’

We were in a Welsh supermarket, so all I could do was agree. After all, disparagement of the leek is still a capital offence in Wales, especially during the rugby season.

She looked down to see my fish fingers wilting in my basket. ‘That is, if you are interested?’ She put down my courgette and strolled over to the leeks. She picked up a large thick one and stroked it suggestively.

I swallowed and ran back to the freezer section and deposited the now rather limp box of fish fingers amongst the other formerly-aquatic digits.

I dashed back to the vegetable aisle, but – of course – she had gone.

Or, at least that was what I thought.

I was back at the meat aisle, eyeing the steaks when a warm hand touched my arm.

‘Steak, so much better for a man to eat, much better than fish fingers.’ Her fingers ran up my arm. She leant towards me. ‘I have changed my mind about the leeks,’ she said, her Welsh accent making me think of sticks of seaside rock standing proud.

I nodded. ‘Young Welsh lamb would be better.’ I turned to her and she smiled.

‘I could do with someone like you to help me with my shopping, putting it in my car….’ She licked her lips with a slow tongue. ‘You could help me put it into my cupboard.’ Her hand stroked down her own thigh. ‘My cupboard is bare.’

I gulped. ‘I’d like that.’

‘My hero,’ she said. ‘Helping a damsel in distress.’ Her hand stroked down my chest, my stomach. ‘You may not have shining armour. But I can see you have brought your lance.’

I took a step closer to her.

‘Mmmm,’ she whispered, her lips almost touching mine. ‘It makes those leeks look a bit limp.’ She looked up into my eyes. ‘But it is always the same, don’t you think? Supermarket vegetables are not as fresh as firm, as vigorous as those brought fresh, are they?’ Her hand was now down between us. She squeezed, and I knew then what those leeks had felt when she’d caressed them back in the vegetable aisle.

She looked down into her empty trolley, then to my empty basket.

‘I think I’ve done enough shopping today….’ She squeezed me again. ‘Don’t you?

I put my empty basket inside her empty trolley. ‘Yes,’ I said.

‘Come on, then, she squeezed again, leading me to the exit. ‘Come and put this in my cupboard for me.’

Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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