Buggeration of the Nation

parliament

Speedbump Trimcontrol was little known in these islands until the day he became government minister for Buggering People About. For a long time now, governments have seen their prime duty as causing as much buggeration in the lives of ordinary people as they can. For, not long after the Second World War, governments discovered that they were about as much use as a toast rack in a monsoon. Consequently, they quickly had to find some way of preventing the general population from discovering this for themselves and thus causing severe disruption to politician’s careers and expense accounts.

Early political theory thought that governments could not only make sense of the world around them, it also believed the governments were capable of doing something about it. Up until then governments had responded to the various crises, trials and tribulations, and mere events, dear boy, that beset them, in the traditional manner. That is by rushing around in ever-decreasing circles while looking for someone else to blame.

However, in the post-war age of planning, of ‘scientific’ government, something changed. They found that when faced with various crises, trials and tribulations, and mere events, dear boy, that beset them there was only one thing to do. So they responded by rushing around in ever-decreasing circles while looking for someone else to blame.

Unfortunately, this solution was a bit too much trouble for government politicians and civil servants. They all only wanted to spend their days preparing for lunch in the morning and recovering from lunch in the afternoon. Unluckily, it became obvious that the rest of the population was beginning to notice that politicians served no actual purpose except as scapegoats when everything – inevitably – went tits-up.

Therefore, when governments eventually realised there was nothing they could do that would be of any use, they decided they must act. Governmental theorists and political scientists argued that if they were not to be put out of a job along with the politician and the civil servants they needed to act too.

Consequently, the political theorists came up with a method of preventing the general population from noticing that government was both pointless and useless.

Ultimately, they concluded that the more a government buggered the people about, the less chance there would be that the people would have time to notice that the government was useless. Hence, the Wilson government of 1974 was the first to introduce a Ministry for Buggering People About. Such was the success of this ministry; it has now become an essential part of the government machinery in all subsequent governments.

Some even argue it is the essential part of the government and without it no government could continue to function, especially when the people find out how actually useless it is. That is why Speedbump Trimcontrol is probably, after the Prime Minister, the most important person in the current government. For without someone like him in control of buggering people about it is almost inevitable that those same people will discover what a waste of time the government is, and then they may even do something about it.

 

Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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