The UK’s Leading Lady of Transactional Intimacy

MC italy blankets

Fallopian Sprungdivan is probably the UK’s leading lady of privatised affection. Her name – and several of her more intimate body-parts – has been linked with many of – what once were called – the great and the good. Although, after Sprungdivan’s latest tabloid expose we now know that most of those men are neither great nor very good.

For, as Sprungdivan readily admits, if they were more than not very good and not very great, then they would not have to pay her rather extensive fees. Although, as she does point put too, she does offer some services that those patrons cannot get at home. At least, without her clients’ spouses studying the smallest print in their marriage vows. After all, not many women do look as good as Sprungdivan in fisherman’s waders, a Batman cape and a bobble hat. All of which are essential items for a certain fetish that Sprungdivan claims that more than one of her companions from the inner circles of the government and the higher ranks of the clergy are somewhat particular to.

As for the bucket of smoked mackerel, the pool cue and the somewhat reluctant badger, several leading professional footballers have already issued stern denials and some rather strict legal gagging orders. As Sprungdivan herself said on this matter, gagging is something those particular premier league players know all about. ‘Especially those who like to go down in my penalty area’, as she somewhat cryptically observed on the steps of the High Court.

However, Sprungdivan is a woman with noble beginnings, as a daughter of a leading member of the post-war Labour government; she was born into a life of wealth and privilege. A life far removed from the ordinary world. Unfortunately, her life of wealth and luxury came under threat from a Party Political machine trying to rebuild the – somewhat-tarnished – myth of that somewhat exclusive self-selecting cabal as a party of the people. Consequently, they decided they would no longer allow the offspring of former MPs to get a safe parliamentary seat automatically.

Sprungdivan claimed this act by the party machine forced her to seek alternative and lucrative employment elsewhere on the fringes of the political scene.

As Sprungdivan said, she wanted a more honest career than politics. However, her contacts, and social circle meant that almost inevitably, her client base consists – almost exclusively – of politicians. Apart from several well-placed clergy, policemen, plumbers and upper ranks of the armed services, that is. As she said, ‘only a fool would hang out with people like that without getting paid for it, especially without their knickers on’.

Almost inevitably, the establishment has closed ranks against Sprungdivan. Leaving her, as she says herself, little other option but to write exposés for the tabloids in order to keep herself in a standard of living she feels she deserves. Especially after spending the major part of her life pandering to the sexual deviations of what we all know to be the most sexually perverse sections of our society.

Consequently, those that criticise her must ask themselves if they would be prepared to do the thing she has done, and – if so – how much they would have to charge.

 

Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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