After the latest Uttabollux terrorist organisation pISsed, sometimes known as In A Bit Of A State, supplanted the Al-Ka-Hollix, it soon began taking territory and influence from the Al-coholiks, especially after closing time. It now looks like the pISsed advance across the world’s heavy-drinking regions could be unstoppable. Especially once the pISsed forces learn how to drive their armoured vehicles while under the influence. Although, as many military tacticians have pointed out, it doesn’t really matter if the driver is pissed when in control of a tank, as they just tend to roll over obstacles.
However, a shortcoming of the pISsed military strategy of out drinking their opponents was revealed when one of their armoured columns accidently ran over and destroyed all that week’s supply of wines, beers and spirits. This happened when the lead driver mistook the military unit’s logistical supply base for a late-night corner shop. Consequently, he attempted to nip in and buy a few tons of light snacks for that evening’s push against a heavily entrenched enemy and mistook the accelerator pedal for the brake. That enemy occupied not only the majority of the disputed area’s pubs, but had already run up a substantial bar tab. Consequently, pISsed knew they would have a great deal of difficulty routing the opposition.
In the past, pISsed had always managed to overrun the position quite easily be loudly proclaiming ‘Last Orders!’ as they advanced. Thus causing the enemy to flee, in panic, to the nearest bar in their rear.
However, as the Al-Coholiks, found, once the opposition is organised and they can order several rounds in advance. Then once they entrench themselves in the best parts of the pub, they are not so easy to dislodge, no matter how heavy the drinking gets.
In a response to the latest advances by pISsed, the American president had to act. He ordered some of the American military’s biggest drinkers, including Special Forces Tactical Imbibers, into the affected regions. They are there to help train the local forces in the necessary heavy drinking that will be needed to counter this latest outbreak of terrorist activity.
The British Prime Minister too, has promised that several northern British cities will be sending some of their most experienced heavy drinkers into the region to help contain the pISsed forces.
Many critics of Western policy have criticised this policy as ‘too few drinks, too late’. Some have even called into question the poor response of Germany. A country who, traditionally, since the end of WWII has made it illegal for its heaviest drinkers to operate outside the NATO drinking region or its own borders.
However, many counter this by pointing out that the Western world and its allies are always willing to drink as heavily as possible. In particular when called upon to counter any real and substantial threat to the Western world and its way of drinking. Consequently, many confidently predict the rise of pISsed will have no real effect on this in the end as long as they do not disrupt the West’s supply of bar snacks.