The Kitchen Utensil Revolution

heath robinson3

Dormouse Clutchpencil is probably the UK’s leading kitchenware design artist. Of course, for many decades, and in some cases for hundreds of years, kitchenware developed and evolved into the traditional shapes. These traditional forms have come about as people used the items of kitchenware and found that they worked, or if they didn’t work, they were forgotten, adapted or changed until they did work.

However, with so many design students, once they graduate, they are in need of employment. Some of them even seeking jobs beyond the usual career choice of fast food distribution customer service technician that is usually the reserve of graduates from such courses. Many graduates of these courses feel that the skills learnt on such courses could be used in a more constructive way. For example, Clutchpencil came up with the bright idea that kitchen utensils were all rather utilitarian and – for some unspecified reason – needed jazzing up.

The standard dictionary definition of a designer product states that it is a product redesigned by a designer to be half as good as the original at three times the price. Taking this definition to heart, Clutchpencil began redesigning many ordinary day-to-day kitchen utensils, devices and products. She started quietly by making unusual-looking kettles that didn’t work very well and then broke down completely in a few months. However, Clutchpencil found she could sell them by claiming she had totally redesigned and ‘reinvented’ (which means copied from something else not designed for this job) the ordinary kettle. The ‘redesign’ turned out to be a very lucrative for her. For, even though the kettles didn’t work as well – or, in many cases, at all – people still bought them in their thousands. They bought them primarily because the kettles looked a bit different to a standard kettle. This is – apparently – always useful in a kitchen, the place where conversation is usually limited or non-existent, despite what soap operas would have people believe.

Following this massive success, Clutchpencil began redesigning and reinventing every kitchen device utensil and other product she could get her hands on, from spatulas to egg cups. Soon she had spawned an entirely new industry out of what had been merely an industry where design was ranked much lower than usefulness and ease of use. However, such was Clutchpencil’s genius that the products she created were so much less useful than the products they replaced. Consequently, consumers ended up buying many more such products. People now often need two or three designer products where in the past they had used one. For example, various steamers, rice cookers, egg boilers and so forth; where in the past it was all done using one simple saucepan.

Such was her success in making people buy and fill up their kitchens with useless tat; Clutchpencil won design awards year after year from an envious, but also grateful, industry. She has since gone on to redesign and – mostly – make useless almost every item in the modern home.

Consequently, we must thank Dormouse Clutchpencil for all she has done to make modern life what it is.

Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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