Cheese Dancing and its Dangers



Obviously, those of us without a regular cheese dancing partner, or any access to a polka-compatible edam, or a foxtrot-ready Cheshire cheese, all feel somehow deprived. Especially as the new season of the BBC’s hit cheese dancing show gets underway again.

The cheese-dancing phenomenon has taken the whole country and all generations by storm. The hip clubs for to younger people have not seen such an upsurge in dance nights since the heyday of the Wigan Casino. Or the acid house days of the mid-1980s. The latter a time when the House of Commons and the House of Lords were the happening places to be, especially if you had your own supply of H2SO4, or knew of a local dealer or hip chemistry teacher.

However, cheese dancing, as the tabloids have all been eager to warn us, is not without its dangers. A bad Double Gloucester trip can be a mind-shattering experience, especially without someone to talk you down after the last cracker has gone. There are for several more lurid tabloid stories about the danger of a cheddar overdose or even the long-term effects of frequent smoked Applewood use. However, many of these are often vastly overstated and exaggerated by an ever-shrill tabloid media looking for lurid front-page copy.

There were tabloid headlines only a few weeks ago, which claimed that Grimsby Premierhotel, the young socialite, had overdosed on camembert at a party. This was later confirmed as a publicity stunt gone wrong. It later emerged that she had only danced a tango with some brie. An escapade repeated every evening across the country by thousands of people, with little or no untoward side effects, apart from a brief over fascination with fresh baguettes.

However, the government, keen to get their faces back into the newspapers, have announced a public enquiry into cheese dancing and its possible dangers. Meanwhile, the EU, always eager to stick its nose into ordinary people’ lives and regulate the fuck out of them has proposed an EU-wide Statutory Cheese Dancing Time Directive. Such a directive would stipulate that where anyone even contemplating a quick Sage Derby Two-step will have to fill out a full health and safety checklist before proceeding. In addition, they will have to wear a dance-monitoring tachograph for the duration of the enterprise as well as using only EU certified dance-compatible cheeses.

Many have claimed this is yet again is a sign of an over-meddlesome and anti-competitive EU. However, others point to the number of lives that could be saved be adopting a more preventative and cautious approach to cheese dancing.

However, there is evidence that the EU’s over-cautious stance could bring about the end of the cheese-dancing phenomenon through its zealotry for over-regulation. Nevertheless, as with all these things, only time will tell.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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