The UK’s Leading Contemporary TV Actress

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Pulchritude Kneetrembler is probably the UK’s leading contemporary TV actress. Famous for her roles in several of the UK’s leading TV shows of the last few decades, she has gone on to become one of the most in-demand voice-over advertising artists. She has also opened several hundred supermarkets and other retail emporiums, often to crowds numbering in the thousands.

Kneetrembler got her big break at the age of just seventeen, when she first appeared in the short-lived ITV soap opera set in a sweet pickle factory production line. Pickled was supposed to offer an insight into ordinary working lives. However, since most of the target audience for the programme were themselves out at work when the programme was broadcast, it failed to be re-commissioned for a second series.

Then, after an award-winning appearance as a pair of rather well-manicured hands in a famous washing-up liquid advertisement, Kneetrembler went on to achieve fame and fortune as a Bond girl. However, since Bond that year was played – in one of the worst pieces of cinematic miscasting –  by Frankie Howerd, Kneetrembler did not get the recognition that her sterling work in the role deserved. Although, since then, several critics have pointed out that although, she did not have a speaking part; no-one throughout the history of cinema has filled a bikini to such devastating effect. Even Frankie Howerd himself was more than impressed and was very influential later offered her a role as a slave girl in the film version of Up Pompeii.

However, by then Kneetrembler was already working for the Royal Shakespeare Company for a season at their Stratford upon Avon theatre. Although,  most of the time she was working in the box office, sometimes she got a starring role selling refreshments and ice creams during the intervals.

Whilst she was working at the RSC, she was talent-spotted by a group of BBC executives on an all-expenses paid fact-finding mission. They hoped to discover just who this Shakespeare bloke was and if he could be persuaded to write a soap opera or a detective series for the BBC.

The BBC at the time was looking for a well-established actress to provide essential corpses for their various detective dramas, hospital soaps and as audience members for Question Time. However, Kneetrembler proved too interesting for Question Time and she had to settle for being an ‘ordinary member of the public’ for the BBC News department. She had to be on call for when it pretended to ‘go live’ to TV News reporters who were actually in a blue screen room just down the corridor. A ruse perpetuated by the powerful TV reporters’ union who felt its members were too important – at least in their own minds – to have to venture outside into a world very few of them believed existed.

After this, Kneetrembler, was now  in her late sixties. Thus, she was too old to even play a convincing teenager, so she was signed to play the Feisty Dowager™ in their long running  saga of working-class family life Down t’Pit by the BBC. A story of how one aristocratic family of miners survived during the chaos of the Miner’s strike and their noble attempt to save the brave leader Arthur Scargill from assassination by the evil Thatcher’s fascist stormtroopers. A role which has bought Kneetrembler several awards, and the promise of a return to Hollywood in the near future, providing the bikini still fits her.

 

Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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