Underarm Leek Defenestration


Spasmodic Weaseltorque is probably the world’s leading underarm leek defenistrator. Although still unrecognised as a full Olympic sport, underarm leek defenestration is currently taking the sporting world by storm. Sometimes as many as seven people each week download the YouTube video of the latest matches, sometimes as soon as several months after the most recent game.

Now, with nearly three national teams in preparation, there is talk of the Underarm Leek Defenestration World Cup taking over from football as the world’s number one sport. Perhaps even, in time, it could take over from Mr Darcy Bothering as the world’s most popular spectator sport.

However, despite having crowds at the live matches sometimes as high as in the tens, some critics have claimed that underarm leek defenestration lacks the excitement and tactical finesse of more complicated sports. For example, other tactically involved games such as standing around in a field for no discernible reason or even Premier Division Pottering About.

However, fans of the sport point out that the recent Cup semi-final between Cardigan Troubadours – Weaseltorque’s team – and the Grimsby Skypilots was a great match. It was classed as one of the tensest, strategic and tactically astute matches in the game’s history. At least since the legendary 45 – 49 points match between the Aylesbury Trollopbotherers and the Droitwich Catamites. That game took place at the very beginning of the original sport, back in 1896. Then only two years after the formation of the underarm leek defenestration association.

However, last Christmas saw the international arrival of the sport when Electronic Bodgeup released the first of their new yearly-franchised underarm leek defenestration video games. The release of the game became an international media event when TV crews and other media organisations discovered queues of nearly some people outside the shops selling it. Sometimes these queues formed almost five minutes before those shops opened. Those fans all eager to get their hands on a copy of the game, or at least see if the new Call of Gardening game was out yet.

Many in the sport, especially those involved in the nascent women’s league, think that the success of the sport lies in the embrace of new technology. Most fans believe there is a need for a digitised scoring system that makes the result of matches less dependent on the fickleness of the umpire’s rulings. Many also think it also needs a more consistent set of decisions from the linesmen standing on the pitch outside of the defenestration window.

Still, those of us who have grown to love the sport, despite the staunch opposition from the Welsh Anti-Leek Cruelty League, feel that this is just the beginning. With star players of Weaseltorque’s ability, charisma, and well-defined lunchbox when dressed in his match lycra, it is only a matter of time before underarm leek defenestration becomes the world’s new leading sport.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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