Sexual Aids and Their Drawbacks


Anyway, not that we were overly cynical about the experience, but, as you will know if you are a frequent peruser of this… whatever it is, we have had some experience with devices, products and ideas allegedly intended to enhance or improve  the sex life of the… er…. more experienced couple. We have met with somewhat mixed results… and, of course, a few fatalities amongst our collection of marmosets. However, not to be disheartened, and in the hope of blagging a few more freebies we again set out to explore some of the more recondite fringes of this area of human endeavour.

Once we bought a few more batteries in, of course.

Many women are familiar, if not on intimate terms, these days with the various devices available for their personal relief. Many of which, due to advances in technology are now often far more reliable than the male of the species.

Many too will be familiar with the recent case of Mathilda Mellowthighs and her rampant rabbits. Especially when the farmer brought his case against her for letting her rabbits loose in one of his fields and seriously perturbing his sheep flock.

Not only that, some recent confusion in the online ordering system recently meant several eager women were each left with a brace of mute swans instead of the devices they’d ordered from a sex toy website. The matter would have mainly gone unremarked as it occurred during the busy pre-Christmas shopping rush. Unfortunately, though, one of the women had her arm broken by an irate swan when she tried to insert the batteries.

In addition, serious harm was averted by swift action on the part of the bomb squad when malicious hackers diverted the orders of several lonely male online shoppers, eager to purchase the latest in blow up dolls. The hackers redirected the orders to a secret terrorist quartermaster website. If it weren’t for that swift action by the bomb squad, then several single-occupancy flats and several other such dwellings could have been destroyed in the subsequent explosions.

As one bomb-squad officer said later, ‘it is always wise to check the small print when ordering anything that claims it can be blown up in the product description. Especially so in today’s climate of terrorist extremism’.

Consequently, the wife and I have been somewhat more cautious about our online sexual aid shopping of late. Especially when our last order for some erotic restraints led to us to being kept captive on an unmapped tropical island by the American security service. At least until we admitted complicity in several unsolved terrorist acts. These included the assassination attempt on George Bush Senior by the use of exploding broccoli. Along with a recent attempt by a terrorist cell linked to a militant Oxford Dictionary worshipping terrorist cell to force the entire United States to start spelling things properly.

We have seriously considered, after these mishaps, curtailing altogether, or at least reducing, our explorations of the modern technological advances in the field of sexual enhancement. But in the end, we decided we should continue, at least until the UK TV channels start putting some decent programmes on again.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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