The UK’s Leading Contemporary TV Dramatist


Toadspinner Inclinedplane is probably the UK’s leading contemporary TV dramatist. His several crime dramas, all featuring police detectives with all manner of personal problems and personal demons have become a must-watch for TV audiences sometimes numbering in the several.

His first detective, DCI Handjob, was a man tortured by the fact that he could not manage to finish a single full English breakfast in the police station canteen without interruption. Usually, he was disturbed mid-mastication by an attractive WPC seconded to the murder squad. More often than not, with the WPC reporting to him that a dog walker had found a body in some obscure location. Handjob invariably eschewed the easy solution that a satanic ring of sadistic dog walkers had committed all the murders. This despite the obvious fact that a dog walker who found the body. DCI Handjob – usually at dire risk to himself – often managed to solve the mystery of who was murdering the victims in exactly the length of each episode. Each time by reading lengthy extracts from that year’s Booker shortlist at the suspects until the suspects pulled their own heads off in despair. But, unfortunately, each week the confession did not arrive in time to save the attractive WPC, who was killed in her bath. Only for Handjob to discover an accomplice of the real killer murdered the WPC in an attempt to provide an alibi for the murderer and set up a second series for DCI Handjob.

After his success in the mystery drama genre, Toadspinner Inclinedplane moved on to the spy drama. Here an improbably good-looking bunch of British spies used technology never before seen outside a 1960s episode of Thunderbirds. With this technology, they managed, each week, to track down terrorist cell after terrorist cell. Often with the only clue a mysteriously-significant spelling error in an incorrectly addressed email. Or, occasionally, an errant hair from a supermodel who disappeared in mysterious circumstances. Usually vanishing whilst having a bath, or removing her clothing for some other hastily contrived reason.

Spies had run for twenty-seven series before people started to notice that the terrorist cells were beginning to repeat themselves. Often their plots to assassinate various members of the political establishment or blackmail royalty looked wearingly familiar to the programme’s declining audience. However, Inclinedplane did manage to create a new plot for the last ever episode of spies. In the final episode, a terrorist cell planned to blow up a hotel. However, it is the very hotel where the head spy’s wife was having a clandestine lesbian affair with a supermodel, after they met on the set of a shampoo advert. Of course, the spies managed to save the day in the usual manner, although one of them was slightly wounded in the hairstyle by one of the terrorists.

After deciding to move on from Spies, Toadspinner Inclinedplane then took up writing historical drama. His Poshbastard’s Hall was criticised for being too harsh about the upper classes and their treatment of their servants. Many critics pointed out that now Toadspinner Inclinedplane was rich enough to announce to the world that he was a socialist, his views on the wealthy and privileged classes had changed completely. Critics often pointed out that hunting scullery maids with dogs on the grouse moors was without any historical foundation whatsoever. But fans of the programme didn’t seem to mind the overt political subtext as long as the upper-class ladies wore excitingly posh frocks. As well as having frequent dalliances with unsuitable, but hunky, men in the butler’s pantry, whilst the butler was out helping his master flog peasants to death in their smallholdings.

Toadspinner Inclinedplane has said that he intends  to move on to a new drama genre sometime soon. Therefore, his many fans are keen to see what he will make of what has become a rather moribund and tedious genre when he takes over as head scriptwriter for the UK Parliament Channel early next year.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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