New Fundamental Particle Discovered


Until now, scientists have had little theoretical understanding of one of the most profound fundamental forces that shape our universe. Until recent experiments at the Large Hadron Collider, it was thought that cheese was just another foodstuff, albeit one of the greatest, if not the greatest, foods ever discovered by humanity.

However, whilst the experiments to determine whether the Higgs Boson actually existed were underway, one of those fortuitous accidents that underlie scientific progress occurred.

Whilst setting up the detector to try to detect the Higgs boson, one of the technicians happened to drop a few crumbs of his cheese sandwich into the device.

All went well as the then unknown particle of what later turned out to be farmhouse cheddar was accelerated to near light speed. However, rather than breaking down into the constituent particles that make up the atoms of that cheese, something else happened. Scientists were shocked to discover that it is actually cheese itself which is the most fundamental basic building block of the universe.

Until then, scientists had little or no real theoretical understanding of how cheese creates the universe from these fundamental cheese particles. Nor did they know how these cheese fundamentals go on then to build into the particles, which make up the protons, neutrons, electrons and their anti-particles. All of which are the basic building blocks of all atoms and hence the universe itself.

Cheese as we know does have various unusual properties even at the macro level. As recent experiments have confirmed, cheese, when heated to a sufficient temperature, does become a self-sustaining critical reaction that can be used as a power source.

However, as some scientists have now discovered, the cheese particle does indeed have its complimentary anti-particle. This anti-cheese particle, which although it looks like cheese, does not have any of the properties, such as taste, of cheese. Therefore, it is known as American Cheese, in honour of the discoveries made at the Theoretical Cheese Laboratory at Princeton University.

Also, some scientist have expressed concern that the experiments undertaken in the recently-completed Large Cheese Collider on the French/Swiss border could be compromised by the use of French cheeses. As many of the French cheeses lack the robust fully-flavoured nature of say the English cheeses. Many scientists fear that the use of French cheeses could result in some experimental ambiguities that could be neutralised by the use of say a Wensleydale or Cheshire cheese. Let alone the robust structural integrity offered by the utilisation of a fully matured Stilton.

However, these are early days in experimental cheese science, so undoubtedly the scientists still have a lot to learn about the nature of cheese. Especially the ways in which cheese shapes the universe around us, but – most importantly – how it reacts with the cats that ultimately control the very universe itself.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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