Trimphone Soppymallard is, of course, the UK’s leading expert in the field of talking utter bollocks. He has represented his country at international level for several years now and has talked utter bollocks with some of the finest talkers of utter bollocks that the rest of the world has to offer.
Whenever there is an international conference at some exclusive and expensive foreign resort, nowadays, the UK government always chooses Soppymallard to represent them. After all, it doesn’t actually matter that much what the press releases say the conference is about. What matters is that this country has a representative there. It is essential that this representative is someone who will not make the mistake of committing this country to anything. In particular, anything that could come back and reflect poorly on the government that sent him there.
In the past, governments made the mistake of sending people to these international conferences with an interest or expertise in the supposed subject matter of that conference. Whether the conferences are ostensibly about world trade, government debt, pandemic illnesses, global warming, international tax havens, or the best way to fiddle government overseas travel expenses is, in reality, irrelevant.
Eventually, though, most governments realised it was a mistake to send people who knew what they were talking about, or who had an agenda, to these conferences. For then, that government would end up making solemn commitments on the world stage. Often this would happen in front of the world’s media, making commitments, which looked good and made good copy and headlines in the world’s media. Unfortunately, this would cause that government untold hardship with the people back home. Especially when those people got the tax bill that their government’s posturing on the world stage had left them with.
Eventually, even the UK government noticed that the rest of the world’s governments had stopped sending experts, knowledgeable people and diplomats to these conferences. So, the UK government learnt from environmentalists and other pressure groups who never let facts, evidence or even reality affect their proposals and demands. The British government decided they did not need someone who knew what he was talking about. They realised they needed someone who could speak utter bollocks, and speak it through the night if necessary. They needed someone who could spout platitudes about anything and everything and still turn up for the closing press conference without ever committing the British government ever to actually doing anything. Or, at least, anything that would come back and bite that government in any subsequent elections.
So, after a short consultation period, the government appointed Soppymallard to the post as the UK’s roving ambassador. Much like the celebrities who the UN picks for such roles, it was impressed upon Soppymallard that he was not there actually to do anything, especially not anything worthwhile. So, these days Soppymallard only attends these conferences to make up the numbers and give the world’s media something to point their cameras and microphones at.
A recent government review of the post has shown that for once a British government has done something right. Perhaps for the first time ever, at least since the initial creation of the NHS. The research proved that – since his appointment – Soppymallard has done precisely nothing and committed the UK government to doing absolutely nothing. Meanwhile, Soppymallard has spent his time at these conferences talking complete and utter bollocks in a way that makes him look as though these jaunts actually contribute something to world governance.
Many observers hope that this lesson from Soppymallard will seep through into the rest of government and that the remainder of the politicians will likewise try their hardest to stop doing things.
And, for that we would all be profoundly grateful.