The World’s Leading Environmental Activist


Heliotrope Sausagepunk is best known these days for her principled stance against the commercial exploitation of dandelions. After a long career in political activism and other such futile gestures and attention seeking, many thought that Sausagepunk had – at last – run out of things to complain about. However, her latest campaign against what she sees as the ‘exploitation of innocent dandelions’ has – again – brought her the much-needed media attention she craves. This ‘exploitation’ Sausagepunk claims is ‘personkind raping the planet yet again, merely in order to slake people’s thirst’.

Many thought that her last campaign against ‘the cruel binding of innocent and free hydrogen atom to evil, heartless oxygen overlord’ had failed. Especially when even a scientifically illiterate population turned against her and her claim that H2O was an evil concoction developed by a greedy, rapacious multinational chemical industry. Sausagepunk continued to insist that H2O was not as all the advertising claimed a naturally occurring substance, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

When challenged about her claims about H2O in an otherwise hagiographic documentary on C4, Sausagepunk stood by her allegations. Even though, for purposes of filming the documentary producer had her standing on the beach by the North Sea at the time.

However, like all other militants, activists and revolutionaries, such is Sausagepunk’s commitment to her radical views she did not allow mere facts or reality to distort her worldview. She, instead, turned her attention to the USA where her campaign successfully managed to introduce a ban on H2O in several American states.

Of course, this immediately brought about a return to prohibition levels of lawlessness as criminal gangs started running illicit water into the ‘Dry’ states. This created an organised crime ring there that resulted in many deaths among both the water bootleggers and the law and order authorities. Of course, the state governments in the dry states did claim that bootlegged water was – by its illegal nature – full of impurities and other contaminants. But it did not stop the spread of water speakeasies, homebrewed rainwater stills and an increase in general crime and lawlessness that was far too high to sustain the ban. The Dry States rescinded the H2O Act only 20 months after its introduction in those states. Soon afterwards, the authorities deported Sausagepunk from the USA. She will never be allowed back into the country ever again – pending legal appeal.

Consequently, Sausagepunk returned to the UK claiming victory in her campaign to have water recognised as a tool of the military industrial complex. A substance deliberately created to enslave people through artificially contrived ‘thirst’, a medical condition Sausagepunk claims she can prove was invented by the drug companies.

Hence, her current campaign against what she calls the ‘evil’ GM industry’s invention of the dandelion. Sausagepunk refuses despite all the evidence to the contrary to believe that the humble dandelion is not a GM industry design. As she said recently ‘I refuse to believe so-called facts. After all, I know I am right and that is all that matters.’ She added ‘the vast military-industrial political and scientific conspiracy that runs the world is always trying to trick people with their so-called ‘facts’, ‘reality’ and worst of all ‘common sense’. I ask you, where have such attitudes ever got us?’

This is why Sausagepunk began her campaign against the dandelion and its use in the once-popular soft drink dandelion and burdock. Sausagepunk claims ‘it is this substance that has enslaved the population into the mind-control of the conspiracy that rules the world. Therefore, until personkind is free of it, the lie called thirst and the evils of H2O, we will never be free.’

Increasingly, there are many – more each day – who think she may be right.



Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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