A Political Disgrace

wad of cash in envelope

Amplitude Duckisland is well-known as one of the UK’s leading political soundbite producers. Although, his constituency at the last election ejected him when the media revealed he had accepted bribes from several multinational companies to ask questions in the house. It was discovered later that during the recent expense scandal period he also received over £6 million in expenses. Mostly for what he called entertainment of overseas politicians and world leaders. All in an item marked down in his accounts as miscellaneous trollops, floozies and jezebels.

Although, Duckisland himself claims to be a strictly religious man who takes his marriage vows seriously, he was later caught in a hotel with seven of his floozies. However, Duckisland where he claimed he was merely going over their expense accounts before submitting them to the House of Commons expense office. Just why that entailed them all being naked, with two of the ladies covered with whipped cream, while another was wearing a facemask and snorkel, was never explored during the later enquiry.

Despite all that, Duckisland recorded the lowest ever vote tally in a parliamentary election. Consequently, shortly afterwards his parliamentary constituency rejected him as their potential candidate for the forthcoming election. Most people then thought he was bound for obscurity and political oblivion.

However, the BBC desperate to get media and popular attention for its tired old satirical current affairs panel shows hired him as the weekly ‘controversial’ guest. Mainly in order to gain some media attention and thus regain the audiences who had long since abandoned the programmes. Of course, the metropolitan media in its self-imposed isolation from what the rest of the country thinks was quite surprised to discover that Duckisland wasn’t such a daring choice after all. Viewing figures for the shows plunged even further as an already over-patronised audience turned away from this blatant attempt at manipulation by manufactured outrage.

Nevertheless, the TV and radio stations had Duckisland on a rather generous retainer. Furthermore, he is always guaranteed to over-moisten the underwear of any programme presenter who interviews him. For these days, Duckisland deliberately cultivates a persona specifically designed to antagonise the metropolitan media. This ‘controversial’ persona also deliberately annoys the Twitter hordes who wait each day desperate to find something they can be outraged about and thus achieve an orgasm of self-righteousness.

Duckisland has now become a very wealthy man, opining for significant fees on all the UK TV channels and radio stations. He has also signed a lucrative contract to write provocative columns for several daily newspapers. The newspapers are all desperate to boost flagging paper sales and to increase click through rates on their websites. For no matter what the subject matter, Duckisland can create controversy out of it by adopting a position almost guaranteed to have the Twitter mob foaming with outrage the moment the site publishes it.

In the meantime, Duckisland has amassed a large number of his own followers, fans and cheerleaders on all the major social media platforms… and Google+. They flood into the comments below each article and retweet every outrageous tweet just to create more of a reaction. This, in turn, creates the conflict so necessary in today’s media, who are far more concerned with creating a storm than they are in shedding any light on an issue.

Consequently, Duckisland is now far more rich and famous than he ever was as a mere MP.

Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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