Wild Accordion Wrestling Live!

 

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Plumbline Campervan is probably best known these days as a major British sporting star. For a long time, up until very recently, the traditional sport of accordion wrestling languished without any major fan base, sponsorship, or TV coverage.

However, all that changed when a recent YouTube video of Campervan wrestling a wild accordion went viral and gathered almost 13 hits.

Desperate for a sport to cover not already snapped up by Satellite and cable channels immediately the BBC decided to act. They proposed several meetings to discuss whether they should look into the feasibility of setting up a committee. This committee would consider the possibility of putting forward a proposal to investigate whether the sports department should set up some meetings. The Sports department would use these meetings to discuss proposing a meeting with Campervan and other representatives of the sport. There they would see if there was a possibility of the budget for a programme about the sport gaining approval sometime in the next twenty years.

However, while the BBC were doing that, Sky TV secured the rights to broadcast up to two live wild accordion bouts each week in a three-hour Wild Accordion Wrestling Live Special at prime time. Of course, as anyone with even a cursory understanding of British history will know the modern strictly-controlled sport of wild accordion wrestling has a dark, murky and bloody history. Something which Campervan himself is keen to acknowledge. Consequently, Campervan himself will host a 12 part series also on Sky TV. The series will investigate the wild accordion hunt and its origins. Also, the programme will examine why the wild accordion became such a creature of fear and mistrust, especially during the Dark Ages and Middle Ages.

After all, most famously it was King Stan the Unmemorable, one of the last Plantagenet kings of England, who an accordion savaged to death while the king was out on a wild accordion hunt. There is also the legend that Robin Hood himself saved Maid Marion from a fate worse than death. This occurred when Robin fought off a wild accordion that was attacking her just on the edge of Sherwood Forest as she made her way towards the Nottingham City centre down Brian Clough Way.

It was not long after this, as the Middle Ages gave way to the Tudor period, that the indigenous English wild accordion was hunted to extinction. Although, some tamed accordions were still bred in captivity by special secret cadres of the folk musician sect for use in their secret covens – called gigs. There a highly-skilled folk musician would wrestle and cower an accordion into submission on stage in front of a live audience.

Many folk historians do now believe that the sport we now know as wild accordion wrestling had its roots in these secret rites of the folk musician sect. Campervan himself shares this view and claims that although not often ever admitted in public before, some of his ancestors were – probably – folk musicians. This is a fact that – of course – the family would have kept secret to avoid the shame.

Consequently, Campervan believes that it is an inherent ability he inherited from his folk music ancestry that has enabled him to become the most famous wild accordion wrestler in this country.

It remains up to everyone else to judge for themselves just how true this could be. However, what people cannot deny is that – at last – wild accordion wrestling is a sport that is here to stay and that Campervan is one of the leading exponents of that sport.

 

Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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