Protractor Angleiron is, these days, best known in the UK as a former leading member of the International Cheese Brigade (ICB). This was one of the most notorious terrorist organisations of the 1970s. This group were particularly responsible for the infamous Dutch Edam Hostage Siege of 1973 and the Red Leicester bombings the year after. It was the ICB, of course, who demanded full human rights for all cheeses. They also demanded protected status for other dairy products during the heyday of what was then known as the EEC’s butter mountain.
Angleiron and his comrades were first radicalised into cheese extremism by that very butter mountain bought in by the community’s Common Agricultural Policy. A scheme designed to prevent French farmers setting fire to things every now and then.
Up until that time, Angleiron was an amateur mountaineer who wanted to climb every famous peak in Europe and so, naturally, was very keen to get his crampons stuck into the butter mountain.
However, such is the notoriously tardy European bureaucracy; it took far too long for them to issue Angleiron’s butter mountaineering licence.
It was while waiting for the licence to be granted that Angleiron first became aware of the complete lack of human rights allowed to all dairy products. All cheeses were especially denied trial by jury should they be involved in any capital cases. Angleiron took his cue from the then-nascent Animal Rights movement, then seeking full human rights for anything from a mollusc upwards. Of course, many European politicians, especially those in the European parliament were very sceptical about animals’ rights. A view often shared by many in the national parliaments as well. They feared for the very safety of their own jobs should slugs and snails, for example, be granted full human rights. The politicians knew from Europe-wide polling than many of their voters considered slugs, snail and other vermin to be much more deserving of their vote than the current incumbents of any parliament in Europe.
However, for Angleiron himself, the fate of mere animals paled into insignificance. Especially so when he discovered that Frederick Engels had deliberately suppressed a chapter of Marx’s communist manifesto. That section dealt specifically with the way that capitalists appropriated all the best cheese for themselves. Thereby denying the working class, as Marx put it, ‘the full cheese value of his labour.’ Engels had argued at the time that a total cheese revolution would be too radical a stance for a successful communist takeover of the West. In particular one where each worker would get ‘his full share of cheese, each according to his needs’ Of course, history had proved Engels right and Marx wrong.
However, such was the abundance of cheese available in the West, Angleiron thought, that a full cheese revolution would now be possible. Apart from in America, of course, which had always had a deep suspicion of European cheeses and their ties to radical left-wing politics. Angleiron claimed that the working class were long kept in a state of false consciousness by their lack of access to the best cheeses. He claimed they would need a leader to take then forward into the bright new dawn of cheese for every worker, each according to his needs.
However, unfortunately for the great cheese revolution though, Angleiron was offered a job as a politics lecturer in an English polytechnic college. A place where he knew the revolution would begin when the students, realising their lack of cheeses, would overthrow the local cheese hegemony. All Angleiron needed to do was wait. So he disbanded the ICB confident that the revolution was soon about to begin.
He is still waiting.