A New Fashion Revolution

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Pomegranate Hamsterdisestablishmentarianism is – probably – the UK’s newest fashion sensation. At the last London fashion show, she wowed audiences at the catwalk with a stunning display of items she called ‘clothes’. Many of the fashion journalists and commentators there were amazed at the revolutionary daring of this new rebel designer. As Hamsterdisestablishmentarianism herself said, ‘I felt it was time for a revolution in the way fashion has seen itself.’ It must be said that for a long time now high fashion has seen its role as mainly draping models in various materials and then making them walk the plank in front of the world’s media. The primary interest for fashion watchers has long been taking bets on how far each model gets don the catwalk. At least before the sheer absurdity of what the model is wearing, causes that model to have an existential crisis there on the catwalk. Or they bet how far the model can strut down the catwalk without the whole ensemble falling to the model’s feet in a heap. This is often a very small heap, as one of the challenges designers set themselves is how much of the model they can expose while claiming she is still dressed. For as all designers learn as design students is to make sure that as much of the model is exposed or visible as possible, especially the nipples. The more of the model that is revealed, then the more column inches the picture of that design will take up in the following days newspapers and on fashion websites. This is considered vital, especially in attracting a male audience to boost viewing or readership figures. Because it is well-known that the only interest a man has in a woman’s clothes is what she looks like without them on. So, the man eagerly examines any outfit that gives any clues in that direction.

Women, of course, are only interested in fashion that makes other women look less attractive. As the comment often heard when other women are wearing some new design is, ‘what on earth was she thinking?’ proves. This demonstrates that, for a great many women, fashion is a very competitive sport indeed. So anything that makes other women look absurd is immediately adopted as the latest ‘must-have’ fashion.

However, Hamsterdisestablishmentarianism has tried to revolutionise the whole fashion industry. Mainly by doing what she calls ‘making clothes that are some use, rather than a way for your tits to fall out into your soup at inconvenient moments.’ She designs clothes that cover the vulnerable parts of the body, do not fall apart and are warm and comfortable. A revolutionary approach to fashion that has puzzled, confused and horrified many traditional fashion designers.

‘She may have gone too far, though,’ the UK’s leading fashion designer, Viaduct Wastrel, said recently. ‘I can understand wanting to experiment with clothes that actually serve their function. However, what I cannot understand is why she has started putting pockets in women’s clothing. Has she considered what would happen if such a practical idea took off? The entire handbag industry would be devastated, and think of the markup… I mean the great innovations there have been in fashion handbags over recent years.’

However, Hamsterdisestablishmentarianism is unfazed by the criticism. Much to the horror of the fashion establishment, she has claimed that soon she will start designing shoes for women that are actually comfortable to wear and do not risk a broken ankle with each step. However, many feel that would be a step too far – even in comfortable shoes – and that the fashion industry’s latest rebel will soon fade from notoriety and be forgotten.

 

Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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