Vaguely Scientific-Sounding Bollocks

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Isosceles Toadimplication is, of course, the world’s leading exponent of making vaguely scientific-sounding bollocks for the world’s media. Apparently, a great many, if not the majority, of consumers of the world’s media do like to see some vaguely scientific-sounding bollocks when they consume their daily dose of news as entertainment.

Of course, in the past it was the role of newspapers to produce the day’s vaguely scientific-sounding bollocks. Mainly to fill up some of the gaps left between the adverts, once they’d covered the doings of the world’s celebrities and celebrity politicians in enough detail for their audience demographic. Nowadays though, the internet too needs several pieces of vaguely scientific-sounding bollocks every day. Often it needs a list of such items to bring in enough page view clicks to keep their advertisers happy.

Of course, this means that the amount of vaguely scientific-sounding bollocks needed by the world’s media has increased exponentially over recent decades. Obviously, modern journalists are far too busy with managing their expenses accounts to do this. The reporters must also prioritise the importance of keeping up with their Twitter feed over doing any actual journalism. Therefore, most current day journalists do not have the time to source, let alone make easily digestible the necessary amounts of vaguely scientific-sounding bollocks each day.

This is why Toadimplication set up his company, VitUalSCienCebOllOcks. The company provides today’s rapacious and greedy media with all the vague science-lite bollocks they could possibly need every day. Every article in the day’s media, from Does Neptune Case Cancer right through to 10 Reasons why Quantum Electrodynamics can increase your penis size are all sourced from Toadimplication’s company.

Originally, Toadimplication started out on his on in a spare bedroom in the family home. He filled it to the ceiling with a job lot of old and out of date scientific journals he bought from an academic library closing down sale. The university was about to convert the library building into a chill-out room for stressed students and thus no longer had the space for learned materials. Toadimplication now employs over 200 people to scour the world’s scientific journals for material. The researchers also scour the stuff poured onto the web by quacks, charlatans, pseudoscientists, creationists, spirit healers and other peddlers of dubious merit. All just so the world can consume just enough vaguely scientific-sounding bollocks to feel it has a grasp on what is going on.

‘Of course,’ Toadimplication confessed, ‘most of it is wrong or wildly distorted to get a good click-friendly headline, but none of that matters.’

After all, as Toadimplication himself had pointed out, most people do not regard anything they read, see or hear in the world’s media as true anymore. Most regard the vaguely scientific-sounding bollocks they read in the media as mere entertainment at best. As Toadimplication had pointed out, ‘several media sources have often run two articles side by side on the same day or on alternate days saying something both causes and cures cancer. None of it matters, though. By the time they have turned the page or clicked on the next cute cat picture most readers have forgotten all about the article anyway, unless of course there is a photo of an underdressed celebrity nearby. Only then will they have any recall of what the article may have implied.’

Unsurprisingly, there is some pertinent scientific research, reprinted in a media frenzy way by Toadimplication’s company, about this phenomenon. It states that most people forget vaguely scientific-sounding bollocks almost immediately after reading it. Which is how his company had made so much money by slightly altering the stories each time before offering them back to the media outlets. The media outlets are more interested in filling space and attracting readers than with whether or not the article has any scientific credibility. Nor does it matter that they first printed it less than a week ago and it now says the direct opposite of something they published only the day before.

 

Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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