Yet Another Sports Doping Scandal


Until recently, Spigot Trimbleweasel was little known outside the rather arcane world of trilobite racing. All this changed a few weeks ago, when another doping scandal rocked the world of trilobite racing once again. Investigations discovered that Trimbleweasel and seven other leading trilobite jockeys had all ingested banned substances. This was right before the main fixture of the trilobite season, the Medium International. The Medium International is a race where over a hundred trilobites and their jockeys compete over a seven-mile course. This course features some of the largest fences in the trilobite-racing season, on the circuit at Tipton International Raceway.

Of course, many sports enthusiasts have long suspected that the frantic pace of trilobite racing necessitated chemical enhancement for the jockeys. Especially as the tight corners and high fences meant the jockeys must have some kind of artificial aids. Many believe that only performance-enhancing drugs could enable them to complete the gruelling courses they have to race around every season. Many also suspected, that allegedly like the Tour d’France, no-one could compete in, let alone win, the Medium International without taking banned performance-enhancing substances.

The sport does run a comprehensive and vigorous anti-doping operation. Course Marshalls ask politely, sometimes up to twice a season, if the jockeys have been in any way ‘a bit naughty.’ Consequently, many in the sport were extremely shocked when these jockeys, including Trimbleweasel, were tested and found they had indeed partaken of a banned substance. This particular prohibited substance is known in trilobite racing circles as ‘peanut butter’.

Normally, of course, no-one in their right mind would go anywhere near such a substance. Except in the USA, of course, where peanut butter has a long history as a method of capital punishment in those states that still have the death penalty on their statute books. This, even though, there has been a long campaign to have the substance banned as a ‘cruel and unusual punishment’, which is supposedly against the law in the US. However many viewers of some American TV will, of course, call that into question.

Anyway, as has been long known in the trilobite racing fraternity, anyone taking a quantity of the peanut butter will – understandably – want to complete the race as fast as they can. Mainly so they can get back to the jockey changing room toilets as quickly as possible. Thus, the race authorities see anyone using the substance as having an unfair advantage.

In this recent case, after the jockeys had tested positive for the substance, investigators searched the jockey dressing room. Several tell-tale lids and empty jars of a suspicious substance were taken away for analysis. After several lab technicians refused to touch, let alone taste, what residue there was remaining in the jars, the race authorities confirmed that it was indeed the banned substance, peanut butter.

Although, he later confessed to sniffing the peanut butter jar, Trimbleweasel himself denied taking the substance. ‘Even though I did sniff it,’ he claimed, ‘but I did not inhale.’ However, there is still a great deal of doubt about whether or not Trimbleweasel did, in fact, take the substance, despite Trimbleweasel winning the race by a 200-yard margin over his nearest opponent, Hesitation Undergatherings. Undergatherings, though, was discovered with tell-tale peanut butter stains on her trilobite racing silks and a spoon with remnants of the banned substance in her trilobite racing spurs carrying case.

Nevertheless, the subsequent enquiry banned all the accused jockeys from the sport for the entire season next year.

Consequently, only time will tell if any of them will return to the sport once they complete that ban. Or whether the shame of their conduct will prevent them ever staging a comeback. Even so, if it is only for one season, the loss of Trimbleweasel is a great blow from which the sport may struggle to recover.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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