The Many Worlds Theory of Shopping

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Fuzzpedal Stoatparasol first came to prominence in the UK as a leading exponent of what later became known as the Many Worlds Theory of Shopping. For, back in the mid-twentieth century, Stoatparasol discovered that many shops do not have the item – or in the Special Many Shops Theory, items – you want to buy. Also, the shops were often closed when she most needed to buy something. Therefore, while in a queue waiting for her local sub-post office to reopen one afternoon, Stoatparasol, in a flash of insight, came up with a theory that there must be a multitude of retail universes. Stoatparasol argued that there must be somewhere out there many more universes that contain shops that are not open in this world, but open in that other dimension. Crucially, she added, there must be some universes where the shops have the item (or items in the Special Theory) that you are looking for. She also argued that, in an infinite universe, there must be a dimension that contains an open shop somewhere. It follows too that there must be a dimension containing an open shop with the item you want to buy in stock, only not in this particular universe – obviously.

Of course, many other scientists were sceptical that there could be other universes where there were open shops that were selling things they wanted to buy. As Einstein so famously said,’ God does not run every shop on the High Street.’

However, as more and more scientists took more and more experimental shopping trips, then it became theoretically possible that Stoatparasol’s Many Shops Theory of the Universe could be right. Consequently, the European governments gave the go ahead to build the Large Retail Emporium Collider on the German-Swiss border. There, scientists could undertake experiments in high-energy shopping trips to prove if Stoatparasol’s theory is correct.

Many, at first, criticised the experiments in Shopping Theory as a waste of time, money and resources with no real practical applications. However, such was the strength of the research undertaken at the LREC that the pure science developed the Shopping Mall. The experiments at LREC also led directly to the online shopping revolution that has so transformed modern lives. For it was Stoatparasol’s notion that – in an infinite universe – there must be a shop that is both open and selling what you want that is the theoretical underpinning of online shopping. In online retail, the shops never really close and they usually – more often than not – do not have the stock limitations that constrain a physical High Street shop.

Unfortunately, though there is a slight discrepancy in Stoatparasol’s equations. Special Shopping Theory with its multiplicity of items does inevitably lead to the Online Shopping Uncertainty Problem. This is something we are all familiar with these days. Especially when we order multiple items when there is a great deal of uncertainty when they will arrive. In particular, if they are dispatched separately.

This inherent uncertainty increases exponentially the probability that we will be out when the items are delivered.

However, some scientists believe that if they can find a way to utilise quantum tunnelling effects that this errant delivery problem is theoretically solvable. Maybe even with the theoretical possibility that the items we want could arrive before we order them.

Only then, many scientists believe, will we truly understand the full implications and wonders of Stoatparasol’s Many Worlds of Shopping Theory.

 

Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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