Grandmasters and Artificial Intelligence


Spermwhale Loftinsulation is these days probably the leading Cheese Uninterest Grandmaster in the world today. Of course, professional Cheese Uninterest is probably one of the most exacting sports in the world at this time. Some would even argue that a tactical mastery of complete uninterest in cheese is easily on a par with chess as a game of sheer mental power. After all, the computer industry has created several chess-playing machines that can compete – and sometimes win – at grandmaster level. But they have yet to come up with any artificial intelligence system that can convincingly ignore the cheese and compete at Cheese Uninterest at Grandmaster level. Although, IBM do have a supercomputer that can disregard any slice of gorgonzola within a twenty-metre radius, something that even the most experienced cheese ignorers at below Grandmaster level often fail to do.

Of course, it takes decades of practice to develop the uninterest in cheese that makes a player eligible to be a Grandmaster. After all, there are not many people, even those who play Cheese Uninterest at an amateur level, who could ignore, say, a double Gloucester for the full length of a competitive match.

Recently, Crap Supercomputers announced that they had a machine, Deep Cheddar, which could compete at International Grandmaster level in a Cheese Uninterest competition. The entire world’s media then turned to world champion Cheese Uninterest Grandmaster, Loftinsulation, to see if he would take up the challenge.

Although Loftinsulation was initially reluctant, as he had just won a tournament where he had managed to feign uninterest in a wheel of fully matures Stilton for almost an entire week. As a result, Loftinsulation wasn’t sure he would be at match fitness level to meet the challenge from Deep Cheddar.

Of course, in artificial intelligence, the problem of Cheese Uninterest has had a long history. Even ordinary computer and video gamers can buy off-the-shelf computer Cheese Uninterest programs. These programs can often quite easily play a very strong game of Cheese Uninterest. All easily able to, for example, ignore a plate of sliced Edam, or even, some Caerphilly on crackers. Sometimes lasting even way beyond the time an ordinary player, even a quite experienced one, will reach for the plate.

The biggest problem in the artificial intelligence routines remains the fact that the computer program must be aware of the cheese in the room with it. But at the same time, it must express complete and utter uninterest that the cheese is there. This is, of course, a skill that the human Grandmasters spend their lives perfecting.

After all, not many of us can be uninterested in any cheese for very long, unless we have undergone rigorous training. Not only that a Grandmaster, and the artificial intelligences that hope to match, and one day beat them, must be tactically astute enough for the game. The player needs to develop the strategies that will enable them successfully to remain uninterested in the cheese in front of them. At least until their opponent is forced to acknowledge that there is indeed some cheese in front of them and that it does look very, very tasty.

Some experts say it will take another ten to fifteen years before computer scientists produce a machine capable of such strategic and tactical finesse. So until then despite Deep Cheddar, Grandmaster level Cheese Uninterest will remain the reserve of human players alone.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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