The Olympic Level Competitive Orgy

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Tetrahedron Weaselspanner is probably the world’s leading exponent of the Immanent Cheese Gambit in the 100-Metres Freestyle Olympic Class Orgy.

As many orgy-going regulars know even at an amateur or even Inter-village level knows, the half-time snacks are a crucial part of any competitive orgy. Consequently, the tactical use of the cheese, and – if the occasion warrants it – the placement if the cucumber sandwiches, can be vital or gaining a post-tea break advantage. Especially when the teams come out to change ends after the third half of the ninth quarter.

Weaselspanner as a well-seasoned (usually with vinaigrette dressing) orgy contender is well used to such considerations. This is especially the case in international orgy fixtures where the cheese itself can be anything from a French Brie to a Dutch Edam. It may even that strange yellow substance that the Americans once claimed was cheese, subsequently banned from international level competitive orgies as an illegal substance, along – of course – with peanut butter.

This, of course, left the American orgy squads to withdraw from the last Olympic Orgies claiming unfair discrimination against their teams. Instead, they set up the World Orgy Series where American orgy teams only play with each other and ignore the rest of the world.

Of course, these days the world’s leading orgy squads mainly come from the Scandinavian countries. There is a trend for teams from usually cold countries do well at the orgy sports as they are used to cuddling up together to get warm. They are also used to coping with errant elbows, knees and inconvenient toes. They also learn at an early age, with an almost instinctive ability, to duck or shift the vulnerable erogenous zones whenever a wild elbow or free moving knee is about to strike.

However, Weaselspanner’s excellent tactical skills and strategic understanding of the orgy pitch have boosted the UK team’s performances. That, allied to his deep understanding of the psychology of cheese desire, has helped the UK team move several places up the international league table over the last few seasons. The UK team almost reached the top of the world league last season. It was only kept out of the final rounds of the Olympic matches last year by a very in-form Canadian team. The Canadian team used the vol-au-vents with such withering accuracy that seven of the UK team needed to be substituted after suffering orgasmic exhaustion because of the lightness of the Canadian pastry.

However, since taking over the captaincy, Weaselspanner has concentrated not only on the half-time snacks, but also the use of the surprise pineapple in the opposition’s penalty box. Something that can easily turn the tide of an entire match, especially if used to flank the defenders and the pineapple is used whole.

So it will be very interesting to see how the British team perform in the upcoming Five Nations Orgies. In particular, in their first match against the French. Of course, the French are excellent at the use of the surprise long lunch break. Nevertheless, many feel that these days the Camembert and even the Brie of the traditional French lunch is no match for a good British cheese. So we can only wait until the weekend to see if British competitive orgying is once more back at the top of its game.

 

Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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