Parkingspace Weaselfur is emeritus professor of Bacon Studies at the University of Port Eynon in Wales. Yesterday, he released a paper in the prestigious Journal of Inquiry into Breakfasts, claiming that without the bacon sandwich, Western civilisation would not have developed to the extent that it has. Nor would it continue to grow and develop unless we do more to promote the use of the bacon sandwich, not only in the workplace, but in schools too.
‘For a long time,’ the professor said, ‘the central role of bacon in a proper breakfast has been well-established.’
Of course, over the later decades of the 20th century many food revolutionaries tried to overthrow the central place of bacon in the traditional breakfast. But more often than not without success. There have been several attempts by critics of the proper breakfast to replace it. Some have tried to replace the traditional breakfast with cereals, porridge, even muesli and other staples of Continental Breakfast Theory, including the croissant. However, the traditional proper English breakfast has managed to hold its ground. Even despite its theoretical underpinning coming under threat by those who would like to undermine the traditional breakfast. Often wanting to replace it with what they see as a more revolutionary approach to the breakfast table.
Although, as many point out, the EU countries that have adopted the standard EU-style Continental Breakfast have not fared so well in the world’s economic indexes. At least not as well as those countries that have stuck with their own breakfast traditions, especially in the free use of bacon.
However, Weaselfur goes further than this in his contentious claims. He says it is the development of the bacon sandwich, in particular, helped establish the Industrial Revolution. This, he argues, brought about the massive increase in longevity, health, living standards, freedom and material wealth now enjoyed by the peoples of the West.
He also points out that the spread of the bacon sandwich to underdeveloped countries has also resulted in those countries experiencing a massive boost in their own indigenous wealth and productivity. Which, in turn, invariably brings about those rises in living standards, not only for the wealthy but also for everyone. Eventually, with all levels of that society experiencing access to as much bacon as anyone could wish for.
As Weaselfur points out, the bacon sandwich, once tasted inevitably brings about a desire to repeat the experience, usually the sooner, the better. This increases the productivity and hence the wealth of the worker. But it stimulates the demand for more bacon, more bread, and in more developed economies, more brown sauce or ketchup. This makes the bacon sandwich more available and so stimulates the workers to eat more sandwiches, thus making them happier.
‘Contrast that,’ Weaselfur said in his paper, ‘with the prospect of facing another bowl of muesli.’
Some critics have pointed out though that there is more to pork products than bacon. However, to their surprise, Weaselfur agrees. ‘We need not only a Special Theory of Bacon, we need a General Theory of Pork,’ he said at a recent International Breakfast Convention.
Other critics have pointed out to that a proper breakfast does not depend on bacon alone, unlike Weaselfur’s Bacon Sandwich Theory. There, if you remove the bacon, all that remains is a couple of slices of bread and – perhaps – a smear of sauce.
However, only time will tell if the General Theory of Pork will prove the claim of some that sausage and even black pudding are essential for a proper breakfast.