Dancing Celebrity Prime Minister on Ice


Wheelarch Sellbydate is probably the first-ever British Prime Minister, who is also a celebrity ice dancer. Recently, the 2015 General election recorded the lowest-ever national turnout of only 3 people. One of whom had mistaken the polling booth for a public urinal. As a result, the entire UK population decided that something must be done to reinvigorate the country’s political system.

Obviously, and most sensibly, the population decided first to get rid of all the politicians. Hardly anyone noticed the difference for the first few years. Except that it reduced, the nightly news bulletins to now only 7 minutes long and things, in general, seemed to work somewhat better than they had done before.

However, it was felt that the British state did need someone to go to the worldwide governmental jollies at expensive locations around the world. Someone to sign the treaties and other meaningless reams of paper that convince politicians they have some significance on the world stage. As well as meet and greet foreign dignitaries and/or politicians for those all-important media appearances.

Eventually, the nation stumbled toward a consensus view that politicians had proved time and again that they shouldn’t be allowed to run anything, especially not a country. Consequently, the nation moved, almost as one to seek some other method of selecting a person to be photographed shaking the hands of various world leaders.

However, a poll conducted by the reputable WEmakEitAllup polling company produced some fascinating results. It found that the majority of British people would like to see the British Prime Minister and other world leaders making utter arses of themselves.

So the format of the next election was decided, mostly by the TV companies who needed another ratings hit. These companies all know that the British population loves reality and talent shows. They also enjoy seeing celebrities making arses of themselves. It, therefore, seemed obvious that this was the ideal method of choosing the next national leader. Along with all the necessary dogsbodies, hangers-on and mentally-flawed careerists that populate the Houses of Parliament.

So, Dancing Celebrity Prime Minister on Ice was born.

Up until the first round of the new programme, Wheelarch Sellbydate was just another TV presenter. At the time, he was fronting an obscure motoring programme on a cable channel. It was the only motoring programme on at the time that did not set fire to caravans in an overly-contrived but mildly amusing way.

However, it was Sellbydate‘s complete inability to stand upright on ice for more than two steps which endeared him to the audience. By then the UK was a nation bored shitless by professionalism and competence in every arena (except politics, of course). It was Sellbydate‘s sheer incompetence, inability to perform and lack of any noticeable awareness of – or interest in – politics, which – inevitably – made him the perfect choice for British Prime Minister.

So, in the final when he only managed two steps of the tango before falling on his arse and spraining his partner’s wrist. This was during an ill-thought-out disco dancing arrangement of Amazing Grace played by the Royal Scots Dragoon band on spoons. However, the performance still won the coveted first prize for Sellbydate.

Of course, his stint as Prime Minister has not been without mishap. For example, he waltzed Vladimir Putin across an ice filled Buckingham Palace Courtyard, making the Russian leader fall over seventeen times. The British population regards this as the diplomatic coup of all time, despite a distinctly unamused Russia imposing a total trade embargo on the UK. Even now, the video clip of the dance is the most watched video on YouTube.

All in all then, it looks as though the UK’s great experiment with popular democracy has worked out very well, for once. There is even talk that the US will pick its next president by seeing who can eat the most unpalatable and disgusting insects in a jungle-based reality setting.

However, only time will tell if this experiment with real democracy will take off around the rest of the world.


Published by David Hadley

A Bloke. Occasionally points at ducks.

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